


Dear Mr. Notebook

by SlytherinPsychopath



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Abandoned Work - Unfinished and Discontinued, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Human, Asexual Castiel, Castiel & Sam Winchester Friendship, Childhood Friends, Depression, Diary/Journal, Gen, Genderless Castiel, Kid Fic, M/M, Minor Bela Talbot/Dean Winchester, Pre-Slash, Slow Build, Starrring Death as Mr. Mortis, some Anna/Dean
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-10-12
Updated: 2015-08-16
Packaged: 2018-02-20 20:33:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 254
Words: 31,336
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2442143
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SlytherinPsychopath/pseuds/SlytherinPsychopath
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>**********DISCONTINUED WIP*************</p><p>Castiel Novak is assigned to keep a diary by his therapist at the gentle age of five years old. He relates his life - the hardships of his siblings and the kindling of new friendships through his journal. He asks the real questions and gets some answers. But mostly, he's just really confused and sad with a capital "D".</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> EDIT 8/16/15:
> 
> To clean up the tags, I've moved the warnings to here.
> 
> DEPRESSION: This story centers around Castiel growing up with depression. This is as accurately betrayed as possible, but a lot of aspects will be discussed in depth and could be triggering.
> 
> SUICIDAL THOUGHTS: Stuff happens and Castiel gets pushed really close to the edge. He gets kinda dark and it an be really scary and triggering.
> 
> CHILDHOOD ABANDONMENT: Castiel's dad walked out of them. He's sorta a bum. There's some custody issues.
> 
> MINOR CHARACTER DEATH: Some characters die. You might cry. Cas talks about death a lot in some later chapters because of this.
> 
> CHEATING: Dean cheats on someone with Cas, but he won't cheat on Cas. This issue is discussed and definitely not glorified.
> 
> UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS: Dean and Cas's relationship isn't the healthiest in the world. This, again, is not romanticized but addressed as a serious issue. It will get better and become healthy eventually.
> 
> I can't think of any more warnings, but as you're reading, if you think I should address a warning, just comment.

August 15, 1985

Dear Mr. Notebook,

My name is Castiel James Novak. I am 5 years old. Yesterday was my birthday. Michael got me a cake and Luci played the birthday song on his guitar. I was so happy! All my brothers and my sister were smiling. They haven't smiled much since Daddy left. Michael used to go college but he doesn't no more. Now he works lots and lots cause Daddy had to go on a long trip. Gabe says Daddy is never coming home because he’s sad that Mommy is no here. I don't know. I hope Michael is right so Daddy can come home real soon. I miss Daddy. He missed my birthday. I wanted to save him a piece of cake, but Michael said he won't be home for a real long time. Oh well.

Love,

Cassy


	2. Chapter 2

August 21, 1985

Dear Mr. Notebook,

 

Mr. Mortis says I should write in here lots and lots. He is a nice man even if he’s scary-looking. Michael says Mr. Mortis is our friend and he gonna help me. I don't know why I need help. Gabe says my head is funny, but I don't think it's funny and neither does Mr. Mortis. Mr. Mortis asks me lots of questions about Daddy like if I miss him and how much I love him. That's silly. Of course I love him and miss him real bad. He's my Daddy! Mr. Mortis is weird.

 

Love,

Cassy


	3. Chapter 3

August 24, 1985

Dear Mr. Notebook,

 

I miss Mikey and Luci. Mikey is always working. He's got three whole jobs! He works for Mr. Mortis doing things with papers and phones and the computer. He does that while I'm at school. Then he works at Waffle House at night. Plus he does other things for lots of people on the weekend. Luci gots a job too. I don't know what he does. He says that in a year we’ll have lots of money so Michael don't have to work so much. I hope he’s right. Michael is never home.

 

Love,

Cassy


	4. Chapter 4

August 26, 1985

Dear Mr. Notebook,

 

Gabe’s teacher called. Luci answered and got real mad. He blamed Gabe for Daddy leaving. He says it’s Gabe’s misbehaving that made Daddy sad. I guess Daddy isn’t on a trip after all.

 

Love,

Cassy


	5. Chapter 5

August 27, 1985

Michael told me about Dad.

 

-Cassy


	6. Chapter 6

August 28,1985 

Dad is depressed because Mommy died. He doesn’t want to be. He wants to love us. But he loved Mommy more than anything in the world. Michael says we shouldn’t blame him. Then who’s fault is it? I think it’s mine cause Mommy died when I was coming out of her tummy.

 

-Cassy


	7. Chapter 7

August 31, 1985

 I miss Daddy.

 

-Cassy


	8. Chapter 8

September 5, 1985

 

Gabriel handcuffed me to a bar on the playground. He laughed and laughed and laughed. I was so scared. I couldn’t get away and the metal hurt my arm. Michael got real mad at him. But Mikey is a wizard and got them off even though Gabe threw away the key. Gabe said sorry lots. I told him it’s okay because we all do silly things. But really, it hurt! I just miss Gabe’s laugh. I don’t want it to go away again.

 

-Cassy


	9. Chapter 9

September 12, 1985

 

Everyone in school is playing boyfriend-girlfriend. This girl named Megan keeps trying to kiss me. I don’t like it. I just wanna read my bumblebee book but Ms. Eliza won’t let me stay in the library during recess. There’s a boy named Ezekiel who’s my friend. He likes bugs too! I wouldn’t mind if he kissed me. He’s nice.

 

-Cassy


	10. Chapter 10

September 17, 1985

 

Michael talked to me today about boys kissing boys. He thinks I have a “crush” on Zeke. I don’t know why. I no told nobody but you. He says some people don’t like that very much. Boys kissing boys I mean. But he says it’s okay and normal no matter what no body says. I’m confused. Why wouldn’t it be okay?

 

-Cassy


	11. Chapter 11

September 18, 1985

 

Mr. Mortis asked me today if I had a crush on my friend Zeke. I told him I don’t know what a crush is. He says its when you wanna kiss someone and hold their hand and be their boyfriend. I don’t have a crush on nobody, I told him. But he doesn’t believe me. He didn’t say so, but I could tell. He told me that some people are gay and that means they wanna kiss people of the same gender like boys kissing boys and girls kissing girls. I guess I learned something new today. Mr. Mortis teaches me lots of new things like how to draw fish real easy and why birds can fly and how to breathe when my chest gets all tight and funny. I like talking to Mr. Mortis. He says we can talk about the book I’m reading about bumblebees next time! I’m so excited.

 

-Cassy


	12. Chapter 12

September 20, 1985

 

We talked about the bumblebees! I got to tell Mr. Mortis all about their furry little bodies and the flowers and guess what! We went outside and looked at the bumblebees! Mr. Mortis told me lots of stories about old people and what they thought about the bumblebees. We can’t live without the bumblebees. I wanna be bumblebee when I grow up. I don’t care what Anna says.

 

-Cassy


	13. Chapter 13

September 23, 1985

 

I do not want to see Spot run. Ms. Eliza thinks I’m stupid. I think her books are stupid, but I don’t say so cause that would make her sad.

 

-Cassy


	14. Chapter 14

October 5, 1985

 

Anna and Balth won’t let me play with them. They says they don’t wanna play with big babies. Anna called me weird and says my games are weird. I don’t understand. I’m not a big baby. They are only four years older! Plus, my games are fun. We catch bugs and pretend to be kitties and lots of cool stuff. It’s okay though. Everyone likes different stuff.

 

-Cassy

 


	15. Chapter 15

October 12, 1985

 

Mr. Mortis says I can ask you questions so…..

Why is the sky blue? And sometimes orange and pink and purple?

Why can grown ups swear but kids can’t? ‘Cause Luci said a naughty word then yelled at me for saying the same word! I know I used it right….

Why did God let Mommy die? Why not me? Mikey said God needed another angel. I coulda been that angel. Mikey and Luci and everyone needs Mommy. No one needs me. It makes me sense for me to be his angel.

Why do dogs walk on four legs but monkeys walk on two?

Why aren’t none of the president people ladies?

Why is the grass green but sometimes yellow and brown?

Is God a boy? Why isn’t everyone a boy then? Why does the bible call God “Him” and “He”? Shouldn’t God be a girl? Or both?

Who’s Madonna? Gabriel says Madonna is God. But I don’t think so.

Why does Anna have red hair when the rest of us got blonde and brown and black hair? Why does Raph have dark skin when the rest of us got light skin?

Why can’t I speak Spanish? I wanna speak Spanish. I think I’m gonna get a book on Spanish and learn myself.

 

-Cassy

 


	16. Chapter 16

October 14, 1985

 

Michael and Lucifer cried today. I don’t know why. But they just hugged me and cried and said they loved me.

 

-Cassy


	17. Chapter 17

October 20, 1985

 

Mr. Mortis says I’ve got Depression. I’m not sad. He says I’ve got Depression with a capital D and it’s not the same as just being sad. He says it’s why I don’t eat so much and why I sleep all the time and why I don’t like recess. I dunno. I still say I’m not sad.

 

-Cassy


	18. Chapter 18

October 27, 1985

 

Mikey makes me take icky pills now. I don’t like them! Gabe calls them happy pills and says I gotta take them so my head gets normal again. I don’t want to! I’m not sad and my head isn’t funny!

 

-Cassy


	19. Chapter 19

October 31, 1985

 

Luci bought me a power rangers costume for Halloween! He got Balth and Anna and Gabe costumes too. Michael asked him where he got the money, but Luce said not to worry about it. We went out trick or treating and got lots and lots of candy. I gave Gabe my laffy taffy and he gave me his milk duds. It was soooo much fun! My tummy hurts.

 

-Cassy


	20. Chapter 20

November 5, 1985

 

Luci’s got a girlfriend! We met her tonight. Her name is Lilith but she said I could call her Lily. She’s real silly, but she wasn’t very nice to Anna which makes me sad. Lucifer likes her though. I like seeing Luci smile.

 

-Cassy


	21. Chapter 21

November 18, 1985

 

I don’t like Mr. Mortis no more. He tells me that I got to take the icky happy pills. But I don’t wanna. I don’t wanna. I don’t wanna!

 

-Cassy


	22. Chapter 22

November 23, 1985

 

We had our Thanksgiving today. Mikey made turkey and stuffing and peas and corn and apple pie. It tasted lots better than the frozen stuff we usually eat. You know, the kind in the blue boxes with the penguin on them. I don’t like those. But this food was real yummy! And we all went around the table and said what we were thankful for. And Mikey said he was thankful for having all of us which was real nice because Luci always says Mikey has to work real hard to keep us. And Lucifer said he was thankful for Michael ‘cause he works so hard. Raphael said he was thankful for having a roof over our heads and food in our tummies. And Gabe was grateful for his friends (even though Mikey doesn’t like his friends. He says they’re the wrong sort). And Balth said he was grateful for food that wasn’t microwaved (Anna punched him in the side). Anna said she’s thankful for all her brothers. And I didn’t know what I was thankful for. So I said I was thankful for God. ‘Cause Mikey says God is the greatest good in the universe. And I’m glad there’s good. Michael smiled but it seemed sad. I don’t know why.

 

-Cassy


	23. Chapter 23

November 29, 1985

 

I made a new friend today. He moved into the house beside us with his dad and his baby brother. He’s a bit older than me. He says his mommy died a couple years ago and looked all sad. But I gave him a hug and told him it’s okay because my mommy died too and know about chests feeling funny. He smiled but it was kinda sad too, you know? Then I asked him if he wanted to see my bug collection and he did! He told me I was a freak, but he was all smiley about it. I think he was just teasing. Like Gabe does sometimes. He said my collection was real neat. Then we played in the tree in the front yard until his dad made him go home. His name is Dean. <3 :) I think I made a new friend.

 

-Cassy

 


	24. Chapter 24

December 2, 1985

 

I met Dean’s dad today. His name is John. He seems sad. Maybe he should visit Mr. Mortis. I told him that. He asked me who Mr. Mortis was. I told him Mr. Mortis is my friend who thinks I’m sad with a capital D and tries to make me happy with icky tasting pills. Mr. John looked confused, but then Dean and I got to play pac man and it was lots of fun!

 

-Cassy

 


	25. Chapter 25

December 4, 1985

 

I told Mr. Mortis about Mr. John and how sad he looks. Mr. Mortis told me he only helps kids but if Mr. John asked him, Mr. Mortis could recommend him a friend to talk to! But then Michael told me I shouldn’t talk about my meetings with Mr. Mortis with no one so…. Oh well.

 

-Cassy


	26. Chapter 26

December 7, 1985

 

Dean and I get to walk to school together! He held my hand as we crossed the road. I told him I wasn’t a baby and I could cross the road all by myself. He just sorta smiled as said he wanted to hold my hand. I like holding his hand too.

 

-Cassy

 


	27. Chapter 27

December 13, 1985

 

Snowday! Dean and I made a snowman! Then we had a snowball fight against Balth and Gabe.

 

-Cassy


	28. Chapter 28

December 17, 1985

 

School’s out for Christmas break.

 

-Cassy


	29. Chapter 29

December 25, 1985

 

Santa Claus got me a new winter coat and boots for Christmas! Good. My old ones were too small. I also got a shiny new hot wheel’s car. I showed Dean when him and his dad and little brother came over for Christmas dinner. Mr. John and Michael had a long talk after dinner. Dean and I went up to my room. I gave him a necklace I made from some beads and thread Anna let me have. I spelled out “happiness” on it because Dean makes me real happy. He said he loved it. Then he gave me a wooden whistle. He said his Uncle Bobby helped him make it. I shall love it always.

 

-Cassy


	30. Chapter 30

December 31, 1985

 

Dean and I are about to go watch the fireworks. We’re gonna stay up until 1986. Gabe says we’re too little, but we’ll prove him wrong.

 

-Cassy


	31. Chapter 31

January 1, 1986

 

Dean kissed me on the mouth and it was kinda weird. He says that’s what people do to celebrate the New Year. Cool! I’m gonna sleep now. Dean gets to spend the night too! Goodnight, Mr. Notebook.

 

-Cas


	32. Chapter 32

January 5, 1986

I was too sleepy to play with Dean today. Michael told him to come back tomorrow, but Dean came up to my room anyway. He asked me if I was okay and I told him I just didn’t want to get out of bed. My body felt all heavy. He just nodded and crawled up under the covers with me. He sung a song to me until I fell asleep again. He was gone when I woke up, but that’s okay. He’s the bestest friend ever.

-Cas


	33. Chapter 33

January 12, 1986

Went back to school today. Can’t school just go away?

-Cas


	34. Chapter 34

January 24, 1986

Today was Dean’s birthday! He turned seven years old. His daddy gave him a bunch of Batman comics. And they let me have birthday cake and ice cream with them. I get to spend the night too! Dean’s in the bathroom right now, so I gotta make this quick. But Dean’s reading me a comic but he’s not too good at reading so I help him with some of the big words. He thinks it cool that I know big word! I gotta go now. Bye!

-Cas


	35. Chapter 35

February 2, 1986

Mr. Mortis changed my medicine. This kind is less icky and he says it’ll help my Depression because the other kind wasn’t working. I still say I’m not sad. He asked me about Dean again – did I tell you about that? Yeah, Mr. Mortis likes to talk to me about Dean. I tell him about all the neat stuff me and Dean do together. He says it’s good to have friends like Dean. He wants to meet Dean and Mr. John so he talked to Michael about it. I wonder why.

-Cas


	36. Chapter 36

 

February 14, 1986

I made Dean a Valentine Day’s card. Anna helped me put glitter on it and I gave it to Dean when we were walking to school. He said he liked it and smiled real big!

I got lots of cards and candies from my classmates! And Ms. Eliza gave out little heart shaped lollipops. I got cherry so I saved it and gave it to Gabe. Cherry is his favorite! He gave me some chocolates that a girl gave him. They were real yummy!

-Cas


	37. Chapter 37

February 24, 1986

A nice lady came to our house today. She looked all around and asked Mikey and Luci a bunches of questions like where we sleep and how we eat and how often they aren’t home. She asked me questions too like if Mikey is nice to me and who cooks and who cleans and if I like living with Mikey. Weird, right? But then she gave me a sucker and told me how lucky I am to have a big brother like Michael. I could have told her that!

-Cassy


	38. Chapter 38

February 28, 1986

Why does February only have 28 days?

-Cas


	39. Chapter 39

March 3, 1986

Dean’s got a girlfriend. Her name is Leslie and she’s a big first grader like him. My chest feels funny. I tried breathing the way Mr. Mortis taught me, but it didn’t help. I wish Mikey was home tonight. Luci doesn’t know how to make the tightness go away.

-Castiel


	40. Chapter 40

March 6, 1986

Why is Dean even friends with me? Leslie and her friends are right. I’m just a cry baby and Dean don’t like me. Why would he?

-Castiel


	41. Chapter 41

March 7, 1986

Dean broke up with Leslie. Poor Leslie.

-Cassy


	42. Chapter 42

March 12, 1986

Mr. John and Dean came to my meeting with Mr. Mortis. It wasn’t like a normal meeting. We didn’t color and Mr. Mortis didn’t ask me about my day or how I feel. Instead, he talked to Dean and asked him questions about me and our friendship. Mr. John asked why I was seeing a therapist, but Mr. Mortis says he can’t answer that. But then I told them that Michael and Mr. Mortis think I’m sad with a capital D. Mikey got mad at me, but Dean’s my best friend! I tell him everything. But now Mr. John keeps looking at me all funny like Gabe looks at the glass snowmen after he glues their heads back on. But Dean says he’ll make me happy. I told him I’m not sad, but he promised to keep it that way.

-Cas


	43. Chapter 43

March 27, 1986

Lucifer bought me a bike! It’s cherry red and got training wheels. I’ve never had a bike before! Luci taught me how to ride. I went up and down the street all by myself. Now Dean and I can ride our bikes to school together!

-Cassy


	44. Chapter 44

April 1, 1986

Today was Gabriel’s birthday. But it’s also April’s Fool Day so Gabe likes to play tricks. So Gabe and Luci dressed me up in a dress for school today and tried to tell me that everyone wears dresses sometimes! I thought I looked real pretty too. Dean laughed at me and everyone called me names. I don’t like Dean no more. I don’t wanna go back to school.

-Castiel


	45. Chapter 45

April 7, 1986

Had to go back to school today. My chest got funny and Mikey had to pick me up before lunch. Mr. Mortis let me sleep in his office.

-Castiel


	46. Chapter 46

April 16, 1986

Dean said sorry for hurting my feelings. Anna told him to go away.

-Castiel


	47. Chapter 47

April 20, 1986

I went to church with Michael today. The Sunday school teacher talked to us about forgiveness and how God wants us to forgive and forget. I think God is trying to talk to me.

-Cassy


	48. Chapter 48

April 21, 1986

Got through the whole day without my chest getting funny. I let Dean ride his bike home with me. Balthazar and Anna tried to tell him to go away, but I told them that Dean’s my best friend and I wanted to ride bikes with him. Dean smiled real big.

-Cas


	49. Chapter 49

April 24, 1986

There’s a full moon tonight! I wish I was a werewolf. Then I’d be big and strong and no one would make fun of me. HHOOOOOOOWWWWWLLLLLLLL!

-Cassy


	50. Chapter 50

May 2, 1986

Dean’s little brother Sammy turned three today! He’s getting so big. We all three played hide and go seek!

-Cassy


	51. Chapter 51

May 11, 1986

Today was Mother’s Day. We visited Mommy’s grave. I hugged Michael real tight when he started crying. Lucifer hugged him too. Gabriel tried to act like he was too tough for hugs, but he hugged everyone too. We sat around her grave and Mikey and Luci told us all the best stories about her. They say she made the best cookies and sang like an angel. That’s why she named all of us after angels because she was an angel herself!

Mommy left us letters to open today. Mikey said she knew she might go to heaven when having me so she wrote them and told us not to open them until the fifth mother’s day after she goes to heaven. I’ll put mine in here so you can read it too Mr. Notebook.

-Cassy


	52. Chapter 52

My dearest little Castiel,

Hello my little peanut. If you’re reading this, it means I’m in heaven. Let me tell you, God is taking very good care of me. And I’m watching out over you every step of the way.

I’ve already missed: holding you in my arms, kissing your beautiful little face, you cutting your first baby teeth, you taking your first steps, you saying your first words, your first haircut, and your first swear word (knowing your brothers, I’m sure you know quite a few!).

Now I’m missing you losing your first baby teeth and going off to school and making your first real friends. I wish I could be there to hold your hand and tell you how amazing you are my precious baby boy.

I love you.

Let your little light shine, Castiel.

Love,                                                                                            

Mommy


	53. Chapter 53

May 12, 1986

I miss Mommy.

-Cassy


	54. Chapter 54

May 16, 1986

Last day of school! Dean and I stayed outside until dark and caught lightning bugs!

-Cas


	55. Chapter 55

May 26, 1986

Happy Memorial Day! What is Memorial Day?

Mr. Uncle Bobby, Dean’s uncle who isn’t his uncle but they call him uncle, took me and Dean and Sammy out to the lake today. He cooked hotdogs for lunch and we had a picnic. We all played in the water. Dean kept splashing me! The big meanie head. But I dunked him under the water so we’re even. Then Mr. Uncle Bobby took us to get ice cream. Dean and I got sunburns (Dean looked like lobster! So funny!) but it’s okay. Raphael put some aloe on it and made it feel all better! Today was a good day.

-Cas


	56. Chapter 56

June 5, 1986

Luci and Lily had friends over today. They were big and scary looking. They all smelled funny and had weird, gooey sores on their face. Luci said he was working and told us to go outside and play. I asked him why his friends had so many booboos, and he just got mad at me. But Raphael walked us down to the park and pushed me on the swings! Raph is so silly. He says swings are for babies but then he gets really smiley when he swings on them. Gabe said it was a big kid thing and sometimes big kids think it’s not cool to like stuff. But Gabe likes lots of stuff and he’s really cool so I think that’s kinda silly.

-Cassy


	57. Chapter 57

June 15, 1986

Today is Father’s Day. I made a card for Michael. Mr. John took me with him and Dean and Sammy to a baseball game. Michael hugged him real hard, but then Mikey had to go to work.

-Cassy


	58. Chapter 58

June 18, 1986

Mr. Uncle Bobby was over today. He showed me and Dean how to throw a baseball right. I used Balthazar’s baseball mitt. And now me and Dean can throw really well. Dean wants to be a baseball player now. I still want to be a vet so I can play with puppies and kitties all day and make them feel all better!

-Cassy


	59. Chapter 59

June 27, 1986

Mr. Mortis says he don’t think we need to meet so much. He changed our meetings from three times a week to one time a week. But he gave me his cellphone number in case I ever wanna call him before our next meeting. He says the medicine is helping my Depression. But he says that it’s not like cough medicine and I gots to keep taking it. Ugh. I don’t wanna.

-Cassy


	60. Chapter 60

July 4, 1986

I had to go to Mr. Mortis’s for our meeting this morning. We colored and talked about all the exciting stuff we’re doing tonight! Michael took me and Dean and Gabe and Balth and Anna to the park to watch the fireworks! Mr. John said he had to stay home with Sammy so Dean came with us. But we had lots of fun! The fireworks were beautiful. Happy Birthday America!

-Cas


	61. Chapter 61

July 10, 1986

I got to stay over at Dean’s house last night. Mr. Uncle Bobby showed us all the Star Wars movies. Dean and I played light sabers and got to drink soda pop. The bubbles made my nose feel funny. Dean fell sleep halfway through one of the movies. And I was still up so Mr. Uncle Bobby – he told me just to call him Bobby - taught me some Spanish ‘cause I told him I wanted to know. Bobby is real nice and really smart. Like he’s the smartest person I know. Maybe even smarter than Michael! But don’t tell Mikey that. It would hurt his feelings. I wish Bobby was my uncle.

-Cas


	62. Chapter 62

July 21, 1986

Dean went to baseball camp today. It’s gonna last all week, and he’s real excited.

-Cassy


	63. Chapter 63

July 24, 1986

Sammy looked real sad today. I went over and asked him what’s the matter. He misses Dean. I miss Dean too. So I played tag with Sammy and let him win like Dean does. He smiled and laughed. I’m glad he’s not sad no more.

-Cas


	64. Chapter 64

July 25, 1986

Gabriel took me and Balth and Anna down to the park this morning after my meeting with Mr. Mortis. When we got home, Dean was back! I hugged him real hard and he told me all about baseball camp and all the friends he made. I hope Dean still wants to be my friend even though he made all those other ones. But he was happy so I’m happy!

-Cassy


	65. Chapter 65

August 6, 1986

Lucifer took us school shopping today! He bought us lots of neat supplies and I got a Kitty-cat backpack and he got us lots of new clothes. Raphael looked worried for some weird reason and started talking about money….but Luci said he had it covered.

-Cassy


	66. Chapter 66

August 8, 1986

School started today. My teacher’s name is Miss. Beth. She seemed really mean. She made me sit by Meg. And Zeke’s not in my class this year. Then Miss. Beth gave me a mean look because Mikey had to pull me out of class early for my meeting Mr. Mortis. Then I had to go talk to Mr. Mortis so I couldn’t ride my bike home with Dean but I guess that’s okay because Dean says my training wheels are really lame. I need to learn how to ride my bike like a big boy. Bad day.

-Cas


	67. Chapter 67

August 14, 1986

Happy birthday to me! The Winchesters and Bobby gave me a swiss army knife! It’s really cool and has a blade and bottle opener and a screw driver and scissors and pliers. And Bobby carved my initials into the side It’s real cool. Michael got all white when he saw it, but I promised to be real careful. Michael and Lucifer got me a new journal for when this one runs out. And it’s nice and made of leather. Best birthday ever!

-Cas


	68. Chapter 68

August 15, 1986

Mikey made a meeting with Miss Beth to explain to her my meetings with Mr. Mortis yesterday. Today when Michael picked me up, she told the whole class to “wave goodbye to Castiel. He’s got to go to the looney hut.” And everyone started calling me Crazy Cas. I’m not crazy! Why would she do that?

-Castiel


	69. Chapter 69

August 18, 1986

Michael called the principal today. Everyone on the playground calls me Crazy Cas now.

-Castiel


	70. Chapter 70

August 20, 1986

Our new teacher’s name is Miss Naomi. She yelled at some kids who were making fun of me. And she let me stay in the library at recess. I like Miss Naomi.

-Castiel


	71. Chapter 71

August 21, 1986

Dean found out about “Crazy Cas”. He punched Billy Sanders in the mouth and told him to shut his ugly mouth. He got suspended for three whole days, but Mr. John said Billy deserved everything he had coming to him. I’m lucky to have Mr. John and Dean. They take care of me. I asked Dean if he thought I was crazy. He said he knew I was crazy, with that real big smile of his, then he slugged my arm and said he liked me anyway.

-Cas


	72. Chapter 72

August 28, 1986

No one calls me “Crazy Cas” anymore. At least to my face or when Dean's around. I hope they forgot.

-Castiel


	73. Chapter 73

September 5, 1986

Miss Naomi came over to our house tonight. She was talking to Michael. She was really smiley which is weird because she doesn’t smile a lot. Michael made her coffee and he was smiling a lot too. Raph and Gabe told me and Balth and Anna not to interrupt them. Gabe thinks Michael has a crush on Miss Naomi. That would be nice. Miss Naomi is kinda loud and has lots of rules, but she’s nice when she wants to be. She’s kinda like Michael that way. And she makes Michael smile and he doesn’t do that a lot. So that’s good too.

-Cassy


	74. Chapter 74

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EDIT: So originally this said Ellen was pregnant and then I looked it up and Jo was born in April of 1985, so I changed it for some semblance of a time line

September 13, 1986

Dean and I were playing today. He was telling me about his teacher Miss Corbinne. She’s gonna have a baby! When Dean asked if I knew were babies come from. I told him I had no idea! What a weird question. I asked him if he knew and he said he didn’t know either. So Dean agreed to ask his daddy and I said I’d ask Michael. One of them has to know.

-Cassy


	75. Chapter 75

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Cas get the "where babies come from" talk and Michael is rather blunt with him.

September 14, 1986

I asked Michael about where babies come from on our way home from church. He told that they come from a mommy’s tummy. So I asked him how they got there. Then Mikey got all red and looked surprised! But then he explained that people with penises have these like little cells called sperm and they put them inside the people with vaginas and the sperm mix with the egg cell. Then it makes a baby. Then the baby comes out the vagina.

Dean’s daddy said that babies are delivered by a big bird called a stork. Dean thinks his daddy’s right because his daddy actually has babies… but I think Michael’s story sounds more likely. Oh well.

-Cas


	76. Chapter 76

September 20, 1986

Michael went out on a DATE tonight! Luci goes on lots of dates. Raph went on one with a nice girl named Ashley. But Mikey never goes on dates. He’s always working. But he got all dressed up and combed his hair real nice. And he put on stinky cologne – but don’t tell him that. He thinks it smells nice. Grownups are weird.

But Lily came over while Lucifer was watching us. She brought her little sister Ruby. Ruby is little like Sammy. But she wasn’t funny like Sammy. She threw her food and pulled my hair. I don’t like her. I hope she doesn’t come over again.

-Cassy


	77. Chapter 77

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Castiel's depression flares over the next several chapters. It gets kinda... scary, at least in my opinion.

September 27, 1986

I was really sleepy today. Dean asked me to go to the park with him, but I didn’t want to. So Dean brought over movies and we watched those all day. That was fun, I guess. Dean seemed really happy so that’s good.

-Castiel


	78. Chapter 78

October 6, 1986

Didn’t go to school today. I think I’m sick.

-Castiel


	79. Chapter 79

October 11, 1986

I feel so bad! Michael had another date with Miss Naomi tonight but I didn’t want him to go. My chest felt funny and my eyes hurt. And I just wanted Michael to be home! He’s never home! He just leaves. Leaves. Leaves. Leaves! Just like Daddy! I don’t want Michael to leave me. I love him. So Michael stayed home from his date, but now I’m afraid he’s gonna leave ‘cause I’m sucha bother. I don’t wanna be a bother. I just want Mikey home.

-Castiel


	80. Chapter 80

October 15, 1986

Michael took me back to the doctor today because my tummy still hurts. The doctor keeps sayings there’s nothing wrong with me. Now Michael thinks I’m lying about being sick! I’m not! I promise.

-Castiel


	81. Chapter 81

October 17, 1986

I told Michael I didn’t want to go see Mr. Mortis. I just wanted to go home and take a nap. I almost fell asleep at school because he made me go back. So I slept in Mr. Mortis’s office instead of talking to him. He frowned real deep but I don’t care.

-Castiel


	82. Chapter 82

October 24, 1986

Still sick. My tummy hurts and my head is all heavy. But Michael keeps making me go to school. Miss Naomi didn’t yell at me for falling asleep during math so that was good. I think she told Michael though because he looked really worried.

-Castiel


	83. Chapter 83

October 31, 1986

Lucifer bought me a Batman costume. But I didn’t go trick or treating with him or Dean or anyone. Dean came over to ask me. I said no. Then he kept whining and telling me I was being boring. I’m sorry. I’m just… tired. I don’t wanna walk around all night. I’m a bad, bad friend. Dean’s never gonna like me again. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

-Castiel


	84. Chapter 84

November 2, 1986

Dean and Sammy came over today and spent the night. Dean was real sad. He didn’t want to talk about it. So I let him sleep in my bed with me. He cried real hard and I didn’t know what to do. So I just hugged him until he fell asleep.

-Cas


	85. Chapter 85

November 14, 1986

Mr. Mortis wants to start me on new medicine. He says my medicine stopped working and now we gotta meet three times a week until we find a new medicine that works for me. Sigh.

-Castiel


	86. Chapter 86

November 15, 1986

No! NO! Dean and Sammy are moving away! They gotta go live with their Uncle Bobby. He lives like 30 whole minutes away and Dean’s gotta go to a new school and everything! Michael says it’s because their Daddy is real sick (Luci called him an alcoholic) and he’s gotta get better. But Dean’s my best friend. Mr. Bobby says Dean and I can still see each other real often, but it won’t be the same. I just know it. Dean’s my only good friend. Everyone else thinks I’m weird. Now we’re never gonna see each other and he’s gonna makes lots of new best friends and he’s gonna realize he doesn’t wanna be friends with a big, boring cry baby like me.

-Castiel


	87. Chapter 87

November 19, 1986

I miss Dean. I miss Dean. I miss Dean. I miss Dean. I miss Dean. I miss Dean. I miss Dean. I miss Dean. I miss Dean. I miss Dean. I miss Dean. I miss Dean. I miss Dean. I miss Dean. I miss Dean. I miss Dean. I miss Dean. I miss Dean. I miss Dean. I miss Dean. I miss Dean. I miss Dean. I miss Dean. I miss Dean. I miss Dean. I miss Dean. I miss Dean. I miss Dean. I miss Dean. I miss Dean. I miss Dean. I miss Dean. I miss Dean. I miss Dean. I miss Dean. I miss Dean. I miss Dean. I miss Dean. I miss Dean. I miss Dean. I miss Dean. I miss Dean. I miss Dean. I miss Dean. I miss Dean. I miss Dean. I miss Dean. I miss Dean. I miss Dean. I miss Dean. I miss Dean. I miss Dean. I miss Dean. I miss Dean. I miss Dean. I miss Dean. I miss Dean. I miss Dean. I miss Dean. I miss Dean. I miss Dean. I miss Dean. I miss Dean. I miss Dean. I miss Dean. I miss Dean. I miss Dean. I miss Dean. I miss Dean. I miss Dean. I miss Dean. I miss Dean. I miss Dean. I miss Dean. I miss Dean. I miss Dean. I miss Dean. I miss Dean. I miss Dean. I miss Dean. I miss Dean. I miss Dean. I miss Dean. I miss Dean. I miss Dean. I miss Dean. I miss Dean. I miss Dean. I miss Dean. I miss Dean.

My chest hurts. My tummy hurts. My eyes hurt ‘cause I don’t got anymore tears. I love Dean.

-Castiel


	88. Chapter 88

November 24, 1986

Everyone is calling me “Crazy Cas” again. They didn’t forget. And Billy Sanders pushed me down and I scraped my hands real bad. I was so, so mad. I punched him in the nose just like Dean taught me and made it bleed. The principal suspended me for the rest of the week and I had to say sorry to Billy. But it was worth it. Dean called after school, and I told him about it. And he cheered and was really happy about it. I think I did good.

-Cas


	89. Chapter 89

November 28, 1986

Mr. Bobby, Dean, and Sammy all came over for Thanksgiving yesterday. And Dean played football with me and Gabe, Balth, Anna, and Raph. He even wanted me on his team! Gabe was on our team too. I think we lost but that’s okay! We had lots of fun! Then we ate turkey and stuffing and peas and corn and mash potatoes. Then we had desert. Michael made a real yummy apple pie. Dean gobbled it all up! It’s his favorite. Dean got to spend the night! We stayed up real late watching movies and playing pretend like we’re cops and robbers and eating leftovers (mostly pie and ice cream) until our tummies hurt. It was real fun. Dean had to leave this morning, but it helped make my heart feel better to see him again. That’s what matters.

-Cas


	90. Chapter 90

December 1, 1986

Went back to school today. People are still calling me “Crazy Cas” but that’s okay. I agree with Dean. It’s a compliment because I’m crazy awesome. Dean always knows what to say to make me feel better.

-Cassy


	91. Chapter 91

December 10, 1986

Mr. Mortis ordered pizza for us and we talked about the fight at school, finally. He said he didn’t want to upset me by talking right away so he waited for me to "cool down". That’s nice. He asked me why I felt the need to solve my problems with violence. I said that that’s how Dean got everyone’s respect, and I wanted respect too. He told me that violence doesn’t earn respect. It enforces fear. It takes a bigger person to walk away from a fight than to start one. I asked him what I was supposed to do about them all calling me Crazy Cas and picking on me. He told me to ignore insults and tell an adult. None of the adults care, though. They’re all too busy being adults. But I think he’s right. It takes a better person to walk away from bullies.

-Castiel


	92. Chapter 92

December 24, 1986

I got to go over to Mr. Bobby’s house today. Me, Dean, and Sammy all got to play in the snow. Sam and I teamed up against Dean. He play-died real dramatic when Sam hit him with a snow ball. It was really funny! But then Sam thought he was really hurt and got upset. But Dean made it better. When we went inside, Mr. Bobby made us all take a bath before we could have hot chocolate. Then we ate chili and watched Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. The other reindeer were so mean to poor Rudolph. But Dean pointed to Rudolph and said, “Cassy, look at him. You’re like Rudolph. Just watch.” And Rudolph made lots of friends even though they were kinda weird and he saved Christmas! I hope I get to make lots of weird friends and be a hero. Maybe, I’ll even save Christmas.

-Cas


	93. Chapter 93

December 25, 1986

Happy Christmas, Mr. Notebook! I had one of my real sleepy days today. But I got up and sat around the tree with everyone. I got a kitty! She’s so very cute. She’s black all over. She’s got one green eye and one blue eye. She’s got a cute, little black nose, and she’s so soft and sweet. I love her. I named her Batman because Batman is mine and Dean's favorite superhero. Anna said I couldn’t name a girl Batman, but what does Anna know? Maybe Batman wants to be called Batman.

-Cas


	94. Chapter 94

January 1, 1987

Dean and I stayed up all night and watched fireworks! We even got to go out on Mr. Bobby’s boat and watch them over the water. It was really pretty. At midnight, Dean kissed me again. I still say that’s a funny tradition, but Dean likes it. He says his mommy and daddy used to do it. So I’m not complaining. Mr. Bobby laughed at him so I guess everyone thinks it’s a funny tradition.

-Cassy


	95. Chapter 95

January 5, 1987

Miss Naomi came over again today. She’s been coming over lots and lots. Michael finally called her his girlfriend. I knew it! We all knew it. They’re both very smiley and happy and I’m glad. They both need to smile more.

-Castiel


	96. Chapter 96

January 9, 1987

Mr. Mortis yelled at Michael today. I don’t think he knew I was there because I told him I didn’t want to talk anymore and he let me color in his office. But he was really mad at Michael about dating my teacher. He says it could be…. Some big word… for my mental health. I think the word meant bad. Michael got really mad at him too, and they argued. I was really scared. I’ve never seen Mr. Mortis that mad. He’s never mad! He’s all calm and cool and collected like James Bond (Dean showed me those movies over Christmas break). But the Michael got all stiff and promised that he wouldn’t let it interfere with me. Mr. Mortis told him “to see to it.” I like that phrase. I’m going to use it.

-Cassy


	97. Chapter 97

January 15, 1987

Mr. John moved back in next door. He looks… healthy. That’s a weird way to describe someone but I don’t know how else to put it. His skin has a nice color and his hair looks nice and his clothes are always on straight. Michael says I can’t tell Dean because his Daddy wants to surprise him. But it’s so hard! When I talk to Dean on the phone, he misses his Dad so, so much. I just don’t want him to be sad any more.

-Cassy


	98. Chapter 98

January 25, 1987

Mr. John picked Dean up from Bobby’s yesterday to surprise him for his birthday. They moved Dean and Sammy back into their house. And Dean looks so happy! He starts school back at our school with his old class tomorrow. Michael says Mr. John got healthy so he could be a good daddy to Dean and Sammy. I’m glad. Dean and Sammy deserve that. And… I’m glad I’ve got Dean back. Talking on the phone isn’t the same as playing in the backyard.

I asked Michael why our Daddy doesn’t get better and come home to be a good daddy to us. He didn’t know. I thought Mikey knew everything.

-Cas


	99. Chapter 99

February 3, 1987

Something happened today. Michael got a call and looked really, really worried and kinda mad. He made all of us go over with Mr. John who looked surprised but Mikey didn’t explain anything to anyone. Raphael says it’s got something do with Lucifer and looked real pale. He called Lilith which was weird. Then Mr. John told us not to worry and sent us outside while he tried to calm down Raphael. Gabriel looked real suspicious too, but he’s better at hiding his emotions than Raph. I hope everything’s okay.

-Castiel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dun. Dun. Dun. What big reveal shall be made in the 100th chapter? Guess. The foreshadowing is all over the story.
> 
> Also, quick note, I just wanted to thank all of you for your comments! You make me want to write more. You all inspire me. And I'm so glad you enjoy the story!


	100. Chapter 100

February 7, 1987

Mr. John has been watching us a lot this week. Usually I’d be happy to spend so much time with Dean, but it’s also weird because I haven’t seen Mikey in four days! Mr. John took me to my meetings with Mr. Mortis, but Michael wasn’t there. I thought he left us! I was so so scared. I cried really, really hard and Dean let me hide in his room. He wouldn’t let no one come in until I stopped. He’s such a good friend.

Michael got us back today. He sat us all down in the living room and explained to us what happened. Lucifer is in jail right now and Michael’s been trying to find him a good lawyer, but we don’t have the money to get Luci out until he goes to court. Michael told us Luci got caught selling something called a “meth” which he says is very, very bad and it hurts people. Then he said Luci shot a police officer! Oh no! I don’t believe it. Luci would never do something so naughty. Now he’s in real big trouble. And he’s gotta stay in jail. I’ll never see him again!

A big scary man came over a little while later with Lilith. He gave Michael this big dufflebag full of money. Mikey didn’t know I was in the room so I had to be real sneaky. The scary man said that the money was Lucifer’s “cut” and then said he’d handle the legal fees and lawyers. Mikey said “NO!” but then Lilith told Michael to think about the kids and Mikey looked real sad and scared and mad but he nodded and took the money.

Then I ran to bed so Michael wouldn’t yell at me. I’m scared. I don’t want Lucifer to be in jail. I don’t want big scary men giving Mikey money. I just want everything to be back to normal.

-Castiel


	101. Chapter 101

February 10, 1987

I wish Mr. Mortis would stop asking me questions about Lucifer! I don’t know! I don’t want to know! I just miss my big brother! I don’t want him to go bye-bye. I want him to be home. With us.

-Cassy


	102. Chapter 102

February 13, 1987

Michael took us down to the jail today. We got to visit Lucifer. He looked real tired and had dark circles under his eyes. But his boo boos looked better. He was kinda twitchy. He tried to make us laugh and tell us he’d be okay. Raphael got real mad and stormed out. Gabriel cried. I’ve never seen Gabe cry before. It hurt my heart. I told Luci I hope he comes home soon. He promised he would. Luci never breaks a promise ever! So I’m sure he’ll be home soon.

-Cassy


	103. Chapter 103

February 17, 1987

Daddy came home today. I thought I’d be real happy, but I wasn’t. He was real mad about Luci being in jail and he got really loud with Michael. Michael says yelling isn’t nice and it doesn’t help anything. But Daddy doesn’t seem to know that. He looked all teary. Gabriel hugged him tight but Raphael refused to speak to him. Michael looked real mad and kept telling daddy to leave before I knew he was there. But Balth had already came and got me. Daddy smiled all sad like when he saw me. He asked me for a hug, but I didn’t hug him. I hugged Michael. Dad left us. If Mikey thinks he’ll leave again, I wanna stay with Mikey. Mikey never left us.

-Cassy


	104. Chapter 104

February 23, 1987

The scary lady came back today. You know, the one that comes sometimes to ask me how I like living with Michael and Lucifer. She told me that I had to go be with Daddy now while “custody is pending.” I told her no, but Daddy carried me out the door anyway. He didn’t take Balthazar or Anna or Gabe! I told him to take them instead. He took me to this hotel room that smells like cheese. Not good cheese either. Bad cheese. I just want to go home. I want to be with Michael and Lucifer and Raph and Gabe even though he’s really mean sometimes and Balthazar and Anna.

-Castiel


	105. Chapter 105

March 1, 1987

I miss Michael. I miss Lucifer. I miss Raphael. I miss Gabriel. I miss Balthazar. I miss Anna. I miss my room. I miss Mr. Mortis (Daddy won’t let me see him anymore). I miss Dean. I miss Sammy. I miss Mr. John and Mr. Bobby. I miss home.

-Castiel


	106. Chapter 106

March 4, 1987

Daddy won’t give me my medicine or take me to talk to Mr. Mortis! He says that Michael’s been lying to me and I don’t need none of that stuff. I don’t believe him.

-Castiel


	107. Chapter 107

March 7, 1987

Today was Dean’s first baseball game. I know because he told me yesterday at school. I really wanted to go see it, but Daddy thinks Michael will take me away. I want to go home to Michael. But he won’t listen to me. No one ever listens to me!

-Castiel


	108. Chapter 108

March 13, 1987

Dad cries every night. He begs me to eat but I’m not hungry. He wants me to get up and play, but I’m tired. Dean got real sad because I didn’t want to play at school. I don’t’ want to play or eat. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up.

-Castiel


	109. Chapter 109

March 18, 1987

It hurts to move.

-Castiel


	110. Chapter 110

March 23, 1987

I refused to go to school. I’m sleepy.

-Castiel


	111. Chapter 111

March 26, 1987

Dean called me today. He says his daddy is doing well and Sammy knows how to count to 100 now. Michael isn’t allowed to call me. I wanna talk to Mikey. My tummy hurts. My head feels cloudy. No chance of meatballs, I don’t think.

-Castiel


	112. Chapter 112

April 2, 1987

Dad took me to the doctor. Not Mr. Mortis or my usual doctor Dr. Fae. His name was Dr. Pesti. He sent me to the hospital. They put needles in my arms and it hurts real bad. Dad says he has to do it ‘cause I’m something with some big words. One starts with ‘M’ and the other starts with ‘D’. He says it means my body doesn’t have enough food or water. I ripped my IV out when I got real mad. The nurses were really scared. But I told them “NO!” until I get talk to Mikey! Daddy called Michael so I let them patch me up and put new IVs in. They hurt real bad. I’m getting sleepy. I’ll tell you what Mikey says tomorrow.

-Castiel


	113. Chapter 113

April 3, 1987

Michael came to the hospital last night. I asked to go home with him, but he said I had to let the doctors take care of me first. He slept by my bed all night so it was okay. Dad says I can go home with Mikey because he's dropping the custody thingy. He promised to legally sign custody of all of us first thing in the morning. That means no one can take me away from Michael again. When I woke up this morning, he was gone. Mikey says Daddy promised to never come back. I didn't want him to go away forever! I just wanted to be with Mikey and everyone too. Why can't I have both? It's not fair.

Everyone came to see me this morning. Anna, Balth, and Gabriel gave me big hugs. Dean and Sammy gave me hugs too and made me feel all better! Mr. John and Mr. Bobby came too. They called me "sport" which is funny because I'm not a type of game! Luci is still in jail but I was so happy to have my family all around me. Miss Naomi even gave me a card and my whole class signed it with "get better soon" and "hope you're okay!" I didn't think they cared.

-Castiel


	114. Chapter 114

April 5, 1987

They moved me to a new hospital today. It's a kids' hospital and there's Spongebob on the walls! There's another boy named Garth in my room with me like how I share my room with Gabriel at home.Garth is nice. He's real sick with the Cancer, and he hasn't got any hair. But he's still happy all the time. He doesn't get mat at me when I sleep all the time because he sleeps a lot too. I think we're going to be good friends.

The doctor says I'm too small and they need to nourish my body since I don't like eating. This doctor is really, really nice. He smiles all the time and sings silly songs that make me laugh. Mr. Mortis came by and talked to me. He told me that they're afraid I'm trying to hurt myself. I told him I wasn't, but he says I gotta stay here until they know for sure that I'll be alright. He also says I need to get my strength back up. I guess I can see his point.

-Castiel


	115. Chapter 115

April 6, 1987

Garth taught me how to play hangman! He's so good at it.

-Cassie

 -------------

 O                  /             ~~G~~        ~~S~~

/|\               /        ~~A~~                      ~~Q~~  

                 /

               /

 

H O N E Y B E E


	116. Chapter 116

April 7, 1987

Dean visted me today. I was napping so he got in bed with me and waited for me to wake up. When I did, he told me everything I missed. He says everyone is watching _Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles_ and that a new _Batman_ comic book came out. He brought it and read it with me until his Daddy said he had to go. But he left it with me so I can read it while I'm bored. Dean is so nice to me.

-Cas


	117. Chapter 117

April 10, 1987

I got to go home today. I'm going to miss Garth. But Miss Naomi got me a cake that says "Welcome Home Castiel." It was chocolate! I only got a little piece and it kinda hurt my tummy, but it was really nice of her.

-Cassie


	118. Chapter 118

April 13, 1987

I went back to school today. My classmates hugged me and said they were glad I was back. No one called me "Crazy Cas" today!

-Cassie


	119. Chapter 119

April 22, 1987

I feel really good today. Not sleepy at all. After talking with Mr. Mortis, I went home and rode bikes with Dean. It feels good to play again.

-Cassie


	120. Chapter 120

April 28, 1987

I got to go visit Garth today. He was real happy to talk and I couldn't even keep my feet still. He smiled real big and friendly and teased me about it like Dean does sometimes about my hair or the way I talk. We watched watched Spongebob and played Go-Fish. It was really fun! And Michael says I can come back to visit him next week.

-Cassie


	121. Chapter 121

May 2, 1987

Sammy turned four today!   I gave him a card I made and one of my transformer toys. He laughed and said he loved it. Then we played all day!

-Cassie


	122. Chapter 122

May 8, 1987

Lucifer went to court today.They found him guilty of doing the bad things.

-Castiel


	123. Chapter 123

May 11, 1987

Lucifer is going to jail for seven whole years. But Michael says it might be less with good behavior. I hope Luci acts good so I can see him soon.

-Castiel


	124. Chapter 124

May 15, 1987

Gabriel seems sad about Lucifer going away. He's been crying really hard since the trial. And he's all mad all the time and doesn't want anyone to talk to him. I think he should talk to Mr. Mortis. Maybe it might make him feel better.

-Castiel


	125. Chapter 125

May 16, 1987

Gabriel is missing! He said he was gonna run away and I think he did. He told me not to tell anyone but now he's not here and everyone's real scared. I don't know what to do. I don't want to get in trouble for not telling Michael but I don't want Gabriel to go away forever! Michael is talking to the police. John and Bobby are out looking for him. I'm scared. Dean said, "at least you have your own room now." I hit him really hard with my pillow. Dumbhead. My brother could be hurt! It wouldn't be so funny if Sammy ran away from home.

-Castiel


	126. Chapter 126

May 17, 1987

Gabriel is still missing. His picture is all over the news and the newspaper. I hope we find him soon.

-Castiel


	127. Chapter 127

May 19, 1987

We found Gabriel! He’s okay even if he’s kinda dirty. He had ran away. Michael found him sleeping at the park. And Gabriel looked scared and tired but really mad. Michael told Gabriel he was going to start talking to Mr. Mortis – but the way he said it made it sound like a bad thing. Gabriel got really mad and said he didn’t need to talk to Mr. Mortis. Why is talking to Mr. Mortis a bad thing? I like Mr. Mortis. He’s nice. I tried to tell Gabriel that, but he just ran up to our room and locked me out. I slept with Balthazar and Anna.

-Castiel


	128. Chapter 128

May 22, 1987

Today was the last day of school. Good. Now I don’t have to see anyone all summer and I can play with Dean and Sammy and Balth and Anna and maybe even Gabe all day long. I can’t wait.

-Cas


	129. Chapter 129

May 24, 1987

Gabriel went to therapy for the first time today. He was really mad and didn’t want to go. He says it’s for crazy people, but I’m not crazy. Mr. Mortis says sometimes project their own insecurities on other people in order to make themselves feel better. I think Gabriel is doing that right now.

-Castiel


	130. Chapter 130

May 25, 1987

Bobby and John set up a big overground pool in their backyard and invited all of us over to swim. Balth and Anna came but Gabriel’s still locking himself up in our room – he only lets me in now. Sammy wanted to be on my time so me and him and Balthazar teamed up against Anna and Dean in a water battle. We called draw but I still say we won.

-Cas


	131. Chapter 131

June 1, 1987

Michael signed me up for this really cool camp this week called Energy Quest Camp. He says they teach math and science and do cool things like dance and learn karate. Dean’s going there too but he’s not in my group. Sad face. Today we learned all about UV rays and then we went on a nature hike through the woods (but we wore sunscreen!). My camp counselor’s name is Robby. He’s really nice. The rest of my group is girls, but they’re all really nice and smart. I think we’re going to make great friends!

-Cassie


	132. Chapter 132

June 3, 1987

We went to the lake today at camp! We learned all about hydroelectricity generation. Then we got to swim. I think Dean’s got more freckles now because of the sun! Then we had to walk all the way back to camp and my feet hurt. I’m sleepy. G’night, Mr. Notebook.

-Cassie

 


	133. Chapter 133

June 5, 1987

We went to the energy museum today! There was a big machine that made our hair stand up on end. And they had lots of butterflies and magnets and wow! It was so cool. Dean held my hand all day. I think he was scare of getting lost which is funny because he’s never scared of anything. It was fun. I got to tell him all about the butterflies and he listened even when Cathy was trying to talk over me.

It was the last day of camp though. That wasn’t okay. I’m going to miss my friends like Emma and Hannah. I’m going to miss Robby too. I can’t wait to come back next year.

-Cas


	134. Chapter 134

June 11, 1987

John took us fishing tonight since it was a full moon. He says that’s when the fish bite the most. I caught a big catfish! And Sammy caught two bass. Dean didn’t catch anything, but he seemed to have fun anyway just sitting the dock and making jokes about the ooey gooey chicken liver.

-Cas

 


	135. Chapter 135

June 17, 1987

Gabriel came out of our room today. His friend Kali came over to our house. They sat on the front porch and talked for a while. He seemed a lot happier by the time she left. He even ate dinner with us and cracked jokes about Michael’s burnt meat loaf. Then he watched Spongebob with me until bed. I’m glad Gabriel feels better. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

-Cassie


	136. Chapter 136

June 22, 1987

Naomi took us all out for ice cream while Mikey as working. She even let me get mint chocolate ice cream. Two scoops! But then there were these two guys there who were holding hands, and they looked really happy. But Naomi said mean things about them that made Gabriel really mad. I don’t understand. What did they do wrong?

-Cassie


	137. Chapter 137

June 26, 1987

Hola! Me llamo Castiel. Tengo seis años.

Hi! My name is Castiel. I’m six years old.

Mr. Mortis taught me that and how to count to twenty in Spanish. I really want to learn Spanish. My friend Victoria doesn’t know English very well and I think it would be really neat if I could learn Spanish for her while she’s learning English!

-Cassie


	138. Chapter 138

June 30, 1987

I went to see Garth today. He looked really, really upset. Apparently his doctor told him his cancer isn’t going away like they thought it would. But I told him not the lose hope. Maybe they can find new medicine that will work…. But I prayed to God extra hard to keep Garth safe and make him feel better soon.

-Castiel


	139. Chapter 139

July 4, 1987

We all went out to the lake this year to watch the fireworks over the water. Bobby gave us all sparklers and, of course, Gabriel and Balthazar had to sword fight with them. Dean and I tried to do the same thing but then he dropped his sparkler in the water. But it’s okay because I gave him mine. After the fireworks, we ate hot dogs while we were on shore and listened to cool music. Don’t tell no one, but I saw Gabriel drinking a beer with some older boy. Michael says that’s a grown up drink but Gabriel is only twelve years old. Why can’t Gabriel just follow the rules?

-Castiel


	140. Chapter 140

July 6, 1987

Gabriel and Michael had a spat. Michael found out about Gabriel drinking the grown up juice and asked him who the boy was he was drinking with. Gabriel shouted that it was none of Michael’s business but of course it’s Mikey’s business. He just cares. Then they yelled a lot and it hurt my ears. Anna was about to go get Mr. John if they hadn’t stopped fighting when they did. Gabe says the boy he was drinking with was his boyfriend Thor. Then Michael got mad that Gabriel was sneaking around with an older boy and drinking. Gabriel said he wouldn’t have to do so much sneaking around if Naomi wasn’t a homophobic… B word. Then Michael got really quiet, really fast. He came up to mine and Gabriel’s room later and told Gabe that he was still grounded for the drinking and the sneaking around, but Mikey was going to talk to Naomi. I’m glad they’re not fighting no more. I don’t like it when my brothers fights.

-Cassie


	141. Chapter 141

July 8, 1987

Michael and Naomi had a big, big fight. Michael told her he could respect that she had differing beliefs but that he could not accept her beliefs disrespecting someone else’s existence. I think that a good way to say “I’m not telling you that you’re stupid, but you’re stupid.” But then Naomi started yelling about gayness being a sin and how God doesn’t like it and how it’s unnatural.

But…

Pastor Jim says God loves everyone. I think God loves everyone. Because God is perfect and we were made to be like God. I don’t think he would make someone broken.

They kept yelling at each other and it got really loud and… and.. my chest got all tight and funny and I couldn’t breathe and I was shaking all over and it was really, really hot. Like I was on fire! Gabriel found him and tried to calm me down. But his eyes were all red and puffy and he was sniffly. I know he’d been crying. Gabriel never cries.

I hate Naomi! I want her to go away!

-Castiel


	142. Chapter 142

July 10, 1987

Mr. Mortis talked to me about Naomi today and about what she said about God. He told me this is what he meant when he said some people don’t like homosexuality very much. He said we just have to ignore people like Naomi and keep them out of our lives. But how can I do that when she’s Michael’s girlfriend? Isn’t it mean not to be someone’s friend? I asked Mr. Mortis but he said that sometimes I need to choose myself over other people. To be nice to myself, I have to cut bad people like Naomi out. But Michael loves her…. I don’t know what to do.

-Castiel


	143. Chapter 143

July 11, 1987

Michael came to talk to me today about what I wrote in my diary about Naomi. He says he is not breaking up with her, but she’s not going to be around us alone anymore. Like probation. I wish Lucifer had probation. He wouldn’t let Naomi make Gabriel cry like that.

-Castiel


	144. Chapter 144

July 16, 1987

Today was a happier day. I got to go to Dean’s last baseball game! His team won the championships! Yay! And Dean hit a home run. Sammy and I got to play in the sand during his game. (I think I still have sand in my socks.) We played with Sammy’s trucks and built a big pile and then jumped on it! Then Sammy jumped on me and we wrestled in the sand. I made sure to let him win just like Dean does. Sam smiled really big. Then after the game we got ice cream. Dean’s favorite is double chocolate chip while Sammy’s is strawberry. Mine’s vanilla even if Dean picked on me for picking a “boring” flavor.

-Cas


	145. Chapter 145

July 21, 1987

Garth is getting sicker and sicker every time I see him. He throws up a lot and he looks even paler. But he still smiles and kicks my butt at hangman.

Come on God. Don’t let Garth die. He’s my friend.

-Castiel


	146. Chapter 146

 July 24, 1987

Dean and Sam and Bobby came with me to see Garth. We played Monopoly (it’s Garth favorite game)! I think he liked Bobby. Bobby gave Garth his baseball cap. It made Garth smile real big. But then he got tired so he we left so that way he could sleep. I’m glad Bobby offered to take us to see Garth. Garth doesn’t have many friends (I think that’s why we get along so well). I’m glad I can share my friends with him. He deserves to be happy too.

-Cas


	147. Chapter 147

 July 31, 1987

Gabriel’s boyfriend came to dinner tonight. Thor is really nice and funny and he had pretty hair. Gabriel was all smiley all night. Naomi didn’t talk all night. No one was complaining. I’m glad she learned not to talk when she had nothing nice to say.

-Castiel


	148. Chapter 148

August 3, 1987

We went to see Garth yesterday. He’s not doing so well.

 

Today Jonh is taking Dean, and Sam, and me camping. I think he’s only taking me to cheer me up. But we went out to the woods and set up tents and went fishing. I caught a big perch. I was running and I lost a tooth but it's okay because it was a baby tooth. Then we roasted hot dogs over a fire that John taught us how to make with sticks and rocks. I had a lot of fun.

 

I’m still worried about Garth.

 

-Cas


	149. Chapter 149

August 7, 1987

School started today. My teacher’s name is Mr. Barnes. He’s pretty and nice and he took off his arm and handed it to Miss Shelby, the student teacher lady, when she asked him for a hand carrying a box. It was really funny. We all giggled but she looked all red. I think I’m going to like Mr. Barnes. He even pronounced my name right the first try! Plus Ezekiel and Meg and Emma are all in my class this year. They’re always really fun (well, when Meg isn’t trying to kiss me, but I forgave her for that a long time ago). I think it’s going to be a good year.

-Cassie


	150. Chapter 150

August 8, 1987

My whole church prayed for Garth today. I hope if we pray hard enough and believe deep enough that Garth will be okay.

-Castiel


	151. Chapter 151

August 14, 1987

Happy birthday to me. I got to skip school to go to the aquarium with Michael but no one else got to skip school so it was really exciting. Then after school and my meeting with Mr. Mortis, we had cake and ice cream at the park. Anna and Balthazar even played hide-and-seek with me and Dean and Sammy! I got a rainbow tye-dye beanie baby bear. It is so cute. I love it! Dean gave me a braided bracelet he made at camp. I will wear it forever and always.

-Cas

 

Lucifer called tonight, right before dinner. I got to talk to him. I told him all about my birthday and the gifts I got. He said Lilith should be coming by tonight with a little something from him. He wished me happy birthday and says he loves me and misses me. I miss him too.

-Cas

 

Lilith did come by right at bedtime. Michael nearly threw her out, but then she saw me. She gave a little red present. Inside there was a necklace with a weird symbol on it. There was a note in Luci’s handwriting that said ‘for protection’. Michael looked really confused but I think I’m going to wear it anyway. I thanked Lily but then Mikey made me go to bed.

-Cassie


	152. Chapter 152

August 15, 1987

Garth seemed better today. (Bobby took me to go see him again.) He wasn’t so tired. And he used the word “idgit” like Bobby does. I thought Bobby was going to break his face he was smiling so much.

-Cas


	153. Chapter 153

August 20, 1987

Sometimes I think Dean doesn’t realize he doesn’t have to be a girl’s boyfriend just because she likes him. See, he has three girlfriends right now. Kelsie, Amber, and Courtney. They’re all in third grade like him. Kelsie is really smart and she’s got pretty blonde hair but she’s kinda quiet. Amber is really nice and fun and knows how to do cartwheels really well. Then Courtney just likes to make fun trouble - and I think Dean likes her best. But they all came up to me on the playground and asked me which one of them Dean was really boyfriend-girlfriend with. I didn’t know what to say. So I told them he wasn’t really boyfriend-girlfriend with any of them because he says he’s boyfriend-girlfriend with all of them. That he doesn’t really like any of them more than friends but he doesn’t know how to say he doesn’t without hurting their feelings. Then they all made weird noises like when you see a puppy. And said Dean was really nice and sweet. I feel like I should have told them that a boy who cheats on you is not very nice, but Dean is very nice so… I don’t know. I’m confused. Third graders. I just can’t keep up.

-Cas


	154. Chapter 154

August 22, 1987

Did you know that Garth’s mommy and daddy are dead? I didn’t know either. He says they died when he was really little. And apparently Garth is supposed to be in foster care but because he stays in the hospital all the time that he actually doesn’t. Bobby knew apparently. He said he asked because he wanted to talk to Garth’s parents about his progress. But then no one. He told Garth today that he’s getting certified so he can take care of Garth and they can be a family. Garth cried happy tears. I cried a little too. Bobby is going to be a good daddy.

-Castiel


	155. Chapter 155

August 28, 1987

Mr. Mortis says Gabriel doesn’t have to see him anymore. I asked him why Gabriel didn’t but I still did. He says different people heal at different rates. But I’m not hurt! I like talking to Mr. Mortis but it’s not fair that he cured Gabriel first. I want to be cured too. I don’t want to be Crazy Cas. I just want to be Castiel. Why can’t he make me all better? Am I that bad? I don’t want to be bad…

-Castiel


	156. Chapter 156

September 2, 1987

I’ve decided that if Gabriel is cured then so am I. Since I’m cured, I don’t have to write in here no more. So this is goodbye, Mr. Notebook. I don’t need you anymore.

-Castiel Novak, age 7


	157. Chapter 157

September 4, 1987

Well, dang, that didn’t work. Michael just got mad at me for declaring myself cured and Mr. Mortis says there’s not a cure for Depression but there should be! I don’t need a therapist. I just want to be normal. But no. I have to write in a stupid notebook about my stupid day and my stupid emotions.

-Castiel


	158. Chapter 158

September 7, 1987

Had a water balloon fight today. It was me and Anna and Balthazar against Dean and Gabriel and Sammy. I hit Gabriel right in the face with the biggest water balloon. Serves him right. But he laughed and sprayed me with the water hose. Now I feel bad because he thought I was just playing. I suppose I can’t be mad at Gabriel for being normal.

-Castiel


	159. Chapter 159

September 15, 1987

Do you ever just lay in bed and wonder what it would be life if you were never born? No, not like you died or anything but never born in the first place. I do.

Anna and Balthazar would be the youngest so Michael would have more time for them.

Gabriel would probably be happier too. Then he wouldn’t have to share a room with me and he’d get to put those scary band posters all over the walls and stay up really late.

Raphael wouldn’t have the babysit so much and he could go hang out with his friends like he always wants to do but can’t because Michael’s all like, “Well, we can’t leave Castiel by himself now can we?”

And Michael probably wouldn’t have to work so many jobs because then he wouldn’t have to pay for my medicine and therapy. He never talks about it, but I’ve heard him talk to Naomi about it one night when I was supposed to be in bed. Apparently Michael’s owes a lot of people a lot of money. He says he can’t use the money Lucifer gave them – that it was dirty money.

I bet Lucy wouldn’t even be in jail if I’d never been born.

If I’d never been born…. Mommy wouldn’t have died. Daddy wouldn’t have left.

Michael and Lucifer would be in college right now. Raphael and Gabriel and Anna and Balth would all have their parents.

I’m so sorry. I wish I’d never been born. I don’t want my siblings to hurt so much because of me.

-Castiel


	160. Chapter 160

September 18, 1987

Mr. Mortis told me I shouldn’t blame myself for things I can’t control. But I do. I can’t help it. It just seems like everyone would be so much happier without me. He wants me to write down the ways I make people’s lives better but I don’t see any. He’s talking to Michael right now, and Mikey looks sick. I don’t want him to be mad at me. He knows it’s the truth! I just make everyone’s lives really, really bad.

-Cas


	161. Chapter 161

September 25, 1987

Mr. Mortis and Michael gave me a big stack of papers. Apparently they had a bunch of people write all the ways I make their lives good… I didn’t realize so many people love me…. I don’t know what to say… I thought I made everyone’s lives bad… but… I don’t know, Mr. Notebook. I guess I’m just really lucky they don’t all think I’m bad or crazy or worthless. I just wish Michael hadn't told everyone what I wrote. It was supposed to be private.

-Cas


	162. Chapter 162

Castiel,

Even before you were born, I knew you were special. Mom would look down at her big belly and just smile. She sang all the little songs to you. She called you her little peanut and her little honeybee. You were her first baby that grew in her tummy. The rest of us all grew in other mommy’s tummies before we came to live with Mom and Dad. She thought you were perfect. We joked you could have twenty toes and a third eye and she’s still call you an angel.

As much as you think I do, I’m not going to lie to you, Castiel. It was a really hard time because mom had just died, but the first time you smiled, you brought life back to our home. After Dad left, you were the one that stayed strong. You taught me how to be strong. Not the other way around.

I don’t want to imagine a world where I never got to know you. You are so smart and sweet and caring. You help everyone you meet completely selflessly. You make me want to be a better person. You’re like the honeybees. Without you, nothing else could exist.

Love,

Michael

 

* * *

 

Cassy,

Everything I do is for you and for the rest of our siblings. I don’t want to hear any more of this nonsense about you blaming yourself for my actions. I wouldn’t have it any other way. I want you to be happy. I want you to grow up ten times smarter than me and do something with your life. I am honored to be sitting in prison when I know you’re going to smile and laugh and get the medicine and help you need because of it. If I didn’t care about you, I wouldn’t have done those things. Your happiness is worth the world, Castiel. Don’t let anyone or anything take that away from you. Not even yourself.

-Lucifer

 

* * *

 

Castiel,

You are the most intelligent child I know. You make our family whole. Sometimes family means sacrificing things for each other. That’s not something to be ashamed of. It’s something to be proud of. It’s a gesture of love that I hope you can appreciate.

Sincerely,

Raphael


	163. Chapter 163

Baby bro,

You little twerp.

No, don’t you dare stop reading this, you gigantic moron.

I love you. I love sharing our room. I love it when you crawl into bed with me at one in the morning. I love that your can talk about bees for hours. I love that you get scared by things like my band posters. I love that you’re always close to me. You got that?

You’re my little brother. We might not always get along, but you’re fucking awesome.

You tell me when I’ve done fucked up. You comfort me when I’m sad. You laugh with me when I’m happy. You forgive me when I’m an ass.

Okay, so don’t go thinking you’d be doing any favors if you weren’t born. Because I might just slug you for thinking like that. My turn to tell you to stop being a moron.

Your loving and heartbroken and pissed off brother,

Gabriel

 

* * *

 

Dear Castiel,

Michael says you’re sad that you were born. Don’t be sad, Castiel. I love you. I’m glad you were born. Who else would tell me the difference between bat-poop make up and mineral make-up? Who else would tell those boys picking on me to fight someone their own size like you do? Not Balthazar, that’s for sure. You make me really happy, Cassy.

Love,

Anna

 

* * *

 

Dear Cas,

You know, I don’t know what I’m supposed to say. I mean, you rock. But, like, who else would I pick on if you weren’t around? You’re kind of a dork, but I can appreciate that quality in a person. You make Anna really happy too. So that’s a bonus. You’re like the glue that holds our puzzle together or stuff like that.

Yours truly,

Balthazar


	164. Chapter 164

Dear Castiel,

You are one of the brightest young men I have ever met. When you first came into our lives, I was weary because my boys had already lost so much and then here was this troubled little boy. But you turned out to be the sweetest person I have ever met. Castiel, you have a heart of gold. You make Dean and Sammy happier than I’ve ever seen either one of them. You make me happier as well. You are so innocent and good. You make me want to be a better person. I would be proud to be your father. When I think about my sons, you’re included right on that list. Never think I drag you around to keep Dean and Sammy happy. I care about you, Castiel. You are a very special young man.

-John W.

 

* * *

 

Cas,

I’ve never seen someone smile through as much pain as you do. I don’t think anyone ever gives you enough credit for it, boy. You are too young to have lost both your parents and deal with mental illness and have your friends and family ripped away from you at every turn. But you keep coming back to the world with a smile on your face and try to look at the good. Most kids would cry in your position. Heck, I’d cry in your position. You’re my superhero, Cas. Now start acting like one.

Ya idgit.

-Bobby


	165. Chapter 165

*Cas,

MikEy says U R sad. Dont B sad. U R good at throwing watar balloons and smart and stuff. You rEad and ritE rEal good. U r nicE to mE. DEans othr friEnds R not nicE. Thank U for bEin my friEnd 2 n lEtting mE walk to skool with U and DE EvEn tho U R a big kid and the othr big kids think I’m 2 small.

Luv

Sammy WinchEstEr

 

* * *

 

Hey Cas,

I know you’re struggling with the depression. You said sometimes you just get really sad and don’t even want to get out of bed. I think this is one of those times. I really want you to not be sad because you’re so awesome you should be happy.

You’re my best friend. Without you, I wouldn’t have a best friend. It would just be me and Sammy against the world. I know, you’re saying I’ve got plenty of friends. But none of them are like you.

I mean, dude, you’re smart and funny and you kick my friggen butt at Candyland every friggen time and I don’t know how you do it. And you already know your multiplication tables which is really, really wicked. Plus, you’re the only person I can wrestle with without having to let them win or getting my butt handed to me every time. And you always remember my birthday and Christmas and Valentines day. You always make me a card and that’s really awesome. You’re the only person I know that does that for anyone.

You’re the best friend a guy could ask for.

Love,

Dean

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Cas,
> 
> Mikey says you’re sad. Don’t be sad. You’re good at throwing water balloons and you’re smart and stuff. You read and write real good. You’re nice to me. Dean’s other friends are not nice. Thank you for being my friend too and letting me walk to school with you and Dean even though you’re a big kid and the other big kids think I’m too small.
> 
> Love,
> 
> Sammy Winchester


	166. Chapter 166

September 28, 1987

Michael took me and Gabriel to visit Lucifer after school. Luci wanted to see me after everything that happened. I still feel really bad about scaring everyone. I don’t know if I quite believe them, but I’m glad they seem to think so good of me.

Anyway, while we were waiting for Luci, there were these two big men beside up. One of them was an inmate and his name was Dustin but he says his friends call him Destroyer. The other man wasn’t an inmate. He was Mr. Destroyer’s boyfriend Pedro. They both had a lot of tattoos – that’s why I talked to Mr. Destroyer and Mr. Pedro in the first place! Mr. Destroyer has a bunch of teardrop tattoos under his eyes. I asked him if he got them because he’s sad. (Then Michael told me not to bother people, but Mr. Destroyer smiled all friendly like and said it was okay!) Mr. Destroyer said he got them because he did some really, really bad things when he was just a little older than Gabriel. He looked sad so I asked Mr. Pedro about the kitty on his arm. He showed me how he could make it move! Apparently he works at the animal shelter in the city and likes cats the best. It was really cute! It looked just like my kitty Batman. I told them that. Mr. Destroyer said Batman was his favorite superhero, too! But then Mr. Destroyer’s time was over and they had to say goodbye. I waved bye to them both and wished them a good day just like Michael taught me to. But Michael looked kinda green and Gabriel was laughing really hard. I dunno why.

Luci came out then. He hugged me all big and tight until the guard had to tell him to let go. He scolded me a bit for scaring him like that and thinking such awful things but then Mikey told him to stop because I’ve already heard it all. Then me and Gabe told him all about what we were doing in school and Gabe talked about Thor and Michael talked about work and Naomi. Luci seemed to be happy to hear about our boring days. He says there isn’t much excitement here, and he thinking about writing a book. I think he was joking though.

-Cas


	167. Chapter 167

October 1, 1987

Dean and I were going to play Pac-man in my room today, but when we got up there Gabriel was hanging out with Thor and they were kissing which was gross. He told us to get out so we decided to play outside instead. Dean asked why Gabriel and Thor were kissing each other like that and I told him it’s because they’re boyfriends. Dean thinks boys can’t have boyfriends, but I told him they can. And girls can have girlfriends. He looked real surprised, but then I suggested we play baseball and we had lots of fun. I even won!

-Cas


	168. Chapter 168

October 2, 1987

Dean told everyone at school about what I taught him about boys having boyfriends and girls having girlfriends. Lots of kids seemed real surprise while other said they already knew that. There were a few that said their mommies and daddies said that being gay’s a sin, but I told them that can’t be true because you can’t get in trouble just for loving someone! That’s silly. Then Emma backed me up because her big sister has a girlfriend and they’re good. When I got home from my meeting with Mr. Mortis (he says I have to take even more medicine!), Dean asked me if people can like boys and girls. I said I don’t see why not. He smiled real bright at that. Then we played pacman together until his daddy made him come home for dinner.

-Cas


	169. Chapter 169

October 3, 1987

Bobby took me and Dean with him to visit Garth today. Garth says his doctor told him he’s doing better and he didn’t seem so tired so that’s good. We played Candyland, and Garth won! Dean thinks I let Garth which made Dean tease me all the way home. I don’t know how to tell Dean that he’s just really, really bad at Candyland without making him sad.

-Cas


	170. Chapter 170

October 6, 1987

Oh great! Now Dean has a boyfriend. His friend Benny and he decided they were going to be boyfriends. It’s not that I don’t like Benny. I don’t really know Benny. But Benny talks funny and he and Dean seemed to have lots more in common than me and Dean. Like they go to baseball camp together every summer and they’re in the same grade and stuff. But what’s so frustrating is now I’ve gotta put up with Dean’s boyfriends as well as his girlfriends! I can’t do this. I am not cut out to tell people that Dean likes a lot of people and he doesn’t know how to pick just one. I don’t want to make them sad. That’s it. I’m telling Dean he’s gotta break up with his own people from now on because when he breaks up with Benny, Benny would punch me in the face and I don’t like being punched in the face. Gosh darn it.

-Castiel


	171. Chapter 171

October 7, 1987

Dean didn’t come to school today. I went over after my meeting with Mr. Mortis but John said Dean was sick and told me to go home. I asked him if Sammy could play, but he slammed the door in my face. That wasn’t very nice. But that didn’t stop me. I went back to my house and opened my window. I threw marbles at Dean’s window until he opened it. He looked like he’d been crying. He said his dad wouldn’t let him go to school because he was naughty and said he can’t be boyfriends with Benny because it’s bad. I don’t understand but Dean looked real sad so I didn’t ask him anything more. I just grabbed Gabriel’s radio and played some of the music Dean really liked. We didn’t say much, but Dean stopped crying so that’s good.

-Cas


	172. Chapter 172

October 9, 1987

Michael punched Mr. Winchester! Michael was seeing us all out so we’d get to school on time and so he could leave for work, and Mr. Winchester was sending Dean and Sammy off to school. Then John called over to Michael to “reign in” his “freak siblings”. Michael was all patient and asked John what he meant by that. John said he didn’t want us turning Dean and Sammy into “flaming faggots”. Gabriel told Mr. Winchester to “take Satan’s salty pitchfork up your ass” (Sorry for swearing) and then Mr. John sneered told him to rot in hell like the rest of “the homos”. Then Mike was across the yards and punching John in the face! John’s nose got all bloody and he started to swear and throw punches but Mikey shoved him up against the car and told him never to talk to his siblings that way again. Then Raphael drove us all to school because Mikey was too mad to function.

-Castiel


	173. Chapter 173

October 10, 1987

Dean’s not allowed to play with me no more, and Mikey says I can’t play with him either. That’s not fair! Dean’s my best friend. But Dean and I talked from our windows today. He says his dad knows best and wouldn’t lie… but then why is Dean still talking to me if he thinks I lied to him? Dean’s smarter than that. But it’s okay. I’ll let him think what he wants to think if it makes him feel better.

-Cas

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for such a small post after not posting last week. I had finals. But I should be posting quite a bit in this week(s) to come. Stay tuned. And thank you all so much for being so wonderful and supportive!


	174. Chapter 174

October 17, 1987

I’m still not allowed to play with Dean and his dad found out we were talking through our windows and put boards up over Dean’s window. Now I only get to see him a tiny bit at school! I miss Dean. Like my chest gets all tight and my hold body shakes and I cry and I feel like I can reach out and touch him but I can’t. It’s not fair. Michael can be mad at John all he wants and John can be mad at Michael, but they shouldn’t keep me and Dean from being friends. I don’t care. I don’t care if Mr. John thinks being gay is bad. I don’t care! I just wanna play with Dean.

Naomi was over like she always is these days. I tried talking to her like I talk to Michael, but that was a bad idea. She told me it was Gabriel’s fault. She says Gabriel is infecting me with the gay and I was infecting Dean and that Mr. John was right to take Dean away from such badness and stuff. That’s not true! I asked Gabe and he says you can’t infect people with “the gay” (he says it’s not called the gay but laughed really hard when I said it). Then he said I was too little to be worrying about stuff like that, but of course I worry about it! It means Dean and I can’t play no more! I told him that. He smiled and asked me if I had a crush on Dean. Ugh! Why do people keep asking me that? I don’t have a crush on no one. But I guess that means you can’t catch gay so it’s not my fault Dean had a crush on Benny! So why is John blaming me! I didn’t do anything bad and neither did Dean.

It doesn’t make sense.

Nothing makes sense.

I’m… I’m really tired. I’m going to go sleep for a year.

-Castiel


	175. Chapter 175

October 18, 1987

I talked to my preacher today about Mr. John and Dean. He says Mr. John isn’t behaving very Christ-like so we prayed that Jesus would show Mr. John how to be more kind and accepting and understanding. I hope Jesus gets our message. I know he’s really busy with hungry kids and sick people and it’s kinda selfish, but I just want Dean back so much…That shouldn’t be so hard, right?

Mr. Jesus, if you’re reading this, I’m real sorry for taking up your time with my problems. I don’t wanna be a bother. Please help the hungry kids and the sick people and the cold people first. If you get a bit of extra time… well… maybe you can help me, if you want to…. Please?

-Castiel


	176. Chapter 176

October 21, 1987

Okay. This is stupid. I’m done with John and Michael. Time to take things into my own hand.

-Castiel


	177. Chapter 177

October 22, 1987

I got Gabriel and Anna to help me today. We had Anna dress up in her girl scout’s uniform and go ring Mr. John’s doorbell. She tried to sell him cookies even when he said no and kept him distracted. Gabriel climbed across the tree between our house and theirs and set up a rope between them so Dean and I can go across too. Then he opened Dean’s window and plied off the wood from the window. I think Gabriel would make a good burglar. Anyway, I crossed the tree too, and Gabriel worked really fast to glue the wood together and put up a nail. He told Dean (who looked really surprised) that he should hang up the wood like a picture whenever he wasn’t climbing through the window. Dean nodded said he understood, and then Gabriel tried another rope to the back of the wood so they could pull it closed from the other side. Then we heard Anna give the whistle and had to go back to our house real fast and Dean put up the planks. But then when it got dark and we were supposed to be in bed, Dean and I climbed out into the tree and got to talk. He thinks it’s really unfair too, but he don’t know what we can do. We’ll figure something out. We gotta.

-Castiel


	178. Chapter 178

October 29, 1987

So Mr. Mortis said he read about what I did with the window. He said it showed brilliant initiative and that I should be very proud of myself for thinking of it. Then he promised not to tell Michael so that’s good! Then we talked about what Naomi said. He said Gabriel was right and gay isn’t infectious. But sometimes people have small minds like Naomi and John. Then he pulled Michael into the room after our meeting and told Michael that he was hurting me. I mean, Mikey’s never hit me or anything but it does hurt I can’t see Dean like I wanna. Michael got really upset and then he got mad because Mr. Mortis told him that Naomi was a bad person for us to have in our lives. Michael just nodded all stiffly and said he’d think about it. I don’t think he thought about it at all.

-Castiel


	179. Chapter 179

October 31, 1987

We went trick-or-treating tonight! I got to dress up like a doctor with a stethoscope and everything! I got a big bag of candy. I just wish I could have gone with Dean. But I took my candy over to Dean’s room and traded with him and Sammy. And we watched scary Halloween movies (well, Sammy and Dean acted scared. I think it’s rather obvious none of those monsters are real). But then I had to go home before Michael got home from work. It was fun though! Best Halloween ever!

-Castiel


	180. Chapter 180

November 2, 1987

Ew. Monday. I don’t like Monday. Mondays were obviously invented by the devil in attempt to drive everyone to jumping off a cliff. (I don’t know about that theory because even Lucifer doesn’t like Mondays. Hehe. See what I did there? The devil and Lucifer… yeah.) Anyway, I don’t like waking up in the morning or when Raph has to get us off to school because he’s never very pleasant on Monday mornings. Plus we have circle time on Mondays. And Mr. Barnes makes us all get in pairs to read books. Meg usually reads with Emma because Emma will read the whole thing to her ‘cause she’s nice like that. And Ezekiel usually reads with some other boy but I don’t know his name. But today Ezekiel asked me to be his buddy! So that was nice. We read a book about airplanes. And after seeing Mr. Mortis, Michael took me to go visit Garth. Garth is doing really good. He says that the doctors said he might even get to go home with Bobby before Christmas! But I didn’t get to see Dean today and I know today is really hard on him ‘cause it’s the memory of when his mom died. So it wasn’t the worst Monday ever but it wasn’t the best.

-Castiel


	181. Chapter 181

November 7, 1987

What is so wrong with playing house? We had inside recess today because of the rain so Emma asked me to play house with her and her friends. I said sure! I got to be the daddy – I wanna be a good daddy like Michael one day. Emma was the mommy and two girls named Britney and Ashlyn played the kids! We played like were a superhero family and I got to have super invisibility! I wish I could always be invisible. That way it wouldn’t hurt so much when Michael or Raph or Gabriel ignore me. But anyway, Ezekiel made fun of me for playing house because he says it’s a girl’s game. A girl’s game? How is it a girl’s game? It’s fun!

-Castiel


	182. Chapter 182

November 11, 1987

Ugh. I didn’t want to get out of bed yesterday Mr. Mortis let Michael take the day off so I got to stay home from school. Dean came over after school to see how I was feeling. I told him I was just sleepy so he read me _The Giving Tree_ and laid down in bed with me. We talked for a real long time. Dean doesn’t like the boy in the _The Giving Tree_. He thinks the boy is selfish. The boy is selfish, but the tree loves him. That’s what matters. I love Dean like the tree loves the boy. I told him that but he just told me I needed to sleep. So I did. When I woke up, Michael was bringing me dinner and told me Dean had to go home before his dad found out he was here. I asked Michael if he was mad, but he said he wasn’t and Dean can come over any time he wants. I’m glad.

-Castiel


	183. Chapter 183

November 15, 1987

My church had signups for the Christmas play today. I asked Michael if I could be in it and he says I can. So I asked my Sunday school teacher if I could be in it. She says I can try out next Wednesday and asked me what I wanted to be. I told her I wanted to be an angel like my name. She smiled and signed me up. I hope I get it!

-Castiel


	184. Chapter 184

                                                                                                                                                               November 21, 1987

Well. So much for Mr. John not finding out about us crossing the tree. Dean fell out of the tree yesterday when he was climbing over to my bedroom. He screamed real loud and I think the whole block heard him. Raphael called an ambulance and helped Dean not hurt so much because he’s got first aid training. Mr. John kept asking what happened and how he was in the tree and stuff. And I had to tell John that me and Dean had been climbing in the tree to see each other. Then Dean had to go the hospital because his arm was broke. He got a neon green cast and it looks really cool. He let me sign it today. I was the first one. I’m still sorry that Dean got hurt trying to see me. Dean hasn’t been allowed to play, but John let me in when I asked if I could check on Dean so I think things might be getting better.

-Castiel


	185. Chapter 185

November 26, 1987

Happy Thanksgiving! Today was the best Thanksgiving ever! Michael invited John and Dean and Sammy over for Thanksgiving dinner.   They shook hands but didn’t say they were sorry but they seemed to know. Bobby and Garth got to join us for Thanksgiving! Isn’t that great!? And Garth doesn’t have to go back to the hospital until January! He’s gonna be part of the family now. For dinner, we ate all the good stuff like turkey and ham and mash potatoes. Sammy poured cranberry sauce on Gabriel and laughed and laughed and laughed. Gabriel got all red because Thor was there too and Thor laughed because the sauce was all over Gabriel’s hair and face. Raphael’s girlfriend Rachel was there too and she was really nice and smart like him, but she’s kinda shy so she didn’t laugh much. Even Naomi was pleasant! After dinner, Dean and Sammy and Balth and Anna and me went to play football. Gabriel didn’t play because he was cuddling with Thor and talking with all the grown ups. How boring. We had pie for desert before everyone went home! Apple pie! Dean’s favorite! I’m so happy to have my family back together.

-Cas


	186. Chapter 186

December 1, 1987

It’s all supposed to be better now, but it isn’t. Sure, Dean and I can play again, but Dean seems different. I tried to hug him goodbye yesterday, and he pushed me away. He says hugging is for girls which isn’t true! Hugs are for everyone. They make people happy and make them feel nice. He doesn’t play with Benny anymore, but I don’t think Benny tries to play with him either. But it’s kind hard for him to play with the cast on so maybe that’s just it.

-Cas


	187. Chapter 187

December 2, 1987

Mr. Mortis asked me to do an activity today. He says I don’t have to finish it right away, but he wants me to start two lists of 100 things that make me Sad and 100 things that make me happy. I tried to tell him I’m not sad! But he gave me that looked like “Castiel, we both know that’s a lie”. Okay… maybe I’m a little sad sometimes…. Anyway. Here starts my sad list.

  1.        Dean Winchester
  2.        People are homeless
  3.        Kids don’t have any parents
  4.        Global warming
  5.        World hunger
  6.        Garth’s sick
  7.        Dean broke his arm
  8.        Naomi
  9.        Michael works all the time
  10.    Lucifer’s in jail
  11.    I killed Mom
  12.    I’m the reason dad left
  13.    Dad is not a good dad when he is here
  14.    People are mean to Gabe because he likes boys
  15.    People are ~~homeiofobic~~ (Did I spell that right?) homophobic
  16.    People are mean to Raphael because he’s black (that’s called racism)
  17.    Raphael wants to meet his birth mommy and daddy but the agency said his birth parents are dead
  18.    Gabriel’s birth mommy tried to contact him even though he’s not 18 yet but Gabe don’t want to meet her
  19.    Michael had to drop out of college
  20.    Luci too
  21.    Bobby’s wife died (though, that was a long time ago)
  22.    People hurt animals
  23.    Bees die when they sting you
  24.    People are mean to girls
  25.    Boys aren’t supposed to wear dresses
  26.    Crazy Cas
  27.    Mr. John
  28.    The color grey
  29.    Nightmares
  30.    Diseases
  31.    People dying
  32.    Animals dying



That’s all I can think of right now. I’ll add more later.

-Cas


	188. Chapter 188

December 6, 1987

I get to be the angel in the church Christmas play! Yay! Gabriel keeps making jokes about me playing Gabriel but I think we all know that it’s a bad joke… besides him.  I’m so excited though!

-Cas


	189. Chapter 189

December 7, 1987

Things That Make Me Happy

  1.        Dean Winchester
  2.        Gabriel
  3.        Bees
  4.        The color yellow
  5.        Sammy
  6.        My whole family
  7.        Garth
  8.        Bobby
  9.        My friends
  10.    Chocolate
  11.    Vanilla ice cream
  12.    Happy Pills? _Castiel, your anti-depressants do not count._ Yes they do.
  13.    Dean’s smile
  14.    Dean’s eyes
  15.    Dean’s laugh
  16.    That I got to sign Dean’s cast first
  17.    Sammy’s laugh
  18.    Gabriel’s laugh
  19.    When Dean calls me his best friend
  20.    Sammy’s smile
  21.    Pacman
  22.    Getting to be the angel in the Christmas play



I don’t know anymore.

-Cas

Mr. Mortis, do not write in my journal! It’s mine! Not yours! Get your own


	190. Chapter 190

December 9, 1987

Play practice was tonight. I think it’s gonna be real good. Naomi is making me a costume for it! But Gabriel and I had a talk after play practice…

Things That Make Me Sad: 33. Gabriel doesn’t believe in ~~God~~ anymore.

                                                                                     Religion

I asked him why he didn’t believe in God. He says it’s because the bible says that people like him are bad and wrong and no one at church likes him anyway because of it. I tried to tell him that wasn’t true. God loves everyone no matter what. God even loved the devil!  It’s stupid to think that God wouldn’t love him. If the bible says that God doesn’t love Gabriel then the bible’s wrong. Gabe says it doesn’t matter if God loves him or not because our religion doesn’t love him. I love Gabriel though. He’s my best brother. I think Gabriel still believes in God… I think it’s religion he’s got a problem with. But I promised him I wouldn’t tell Michael.

-Castiel


	191. Chapter 191

December 14, 1987

I told Mr. Mortis today that I didn’t want Michael or him reading my journal anymore. He says the whole point of the journal is so they can check on me, but I don’t want them reading my journal. I talk to Mr.  Mortis now. I think I deserve the privacy of my journal! So we compromised. Michael won’t read it anymore and Mr. Mortis will only read it if he’s concerned about me. I think that’s fair enough… Sometimes I’m scared to write things down because I don’t want Michael or Mr. Mortis to know. I always get in trouble for being sad.  Well, Mr. Mortis says I’m not in trouble, but I feel like I’m in trouble because Michael always looks disappointed. I overheard him telling Naomi once that he always feels like its one step forward and two steps back with me. I’m sorry. I don’t mean to make Michael sad.  I keep trying to take steps forward… but I feel like he’s walking on grass and I’m walking in quicksand.

Things That Make Me Sad: 34. Disappointing people

-Castiel


	192. Chapter 192

 

December 15, 1987

It snowed today! Dean and I got into a snowball fight on the way to school. It was kinda hard because Dean’s only got one good arm but he still managed to hit me with lots of chunks of snow. And we were both all wet by the time we got to school, but that’s okay because I had lots of fun. Mr. Barnes asked me if I went swimming on the way to school, but I think he was joking to I laughed and said I had to rescue my kitten Batman from a giant snow shark. He laughed too so I think I did good! Mr. Barnes is real pretty when he laughs because his smile lights up his whole face and he shakes his head like he can’t believe anyone ever said something so funny no matter what it is. Anyway, he said he has a friend who was a trouble maker like me. I’m not a troublemaker! I don’t think so anyway. I asked Gabe later if he thought I was a troublemaker. He said I was. Ugh! But then he said that I do a real good job of acting like I don’t cause any trouble until I don’t like what someone says… well…  he’s not wrong.

Things That Make Me Happy:

23\. Snowball fights with Dean

24\. Mr. Barnes’s laugh

-Castiel


	193. Chapter 193

December 16, 1987

Play practice went real good tonight. Emma is a really good Mary, but Balthazar keeps messing up his lines for Joseph. He’s such a showoff too. He doesn’t even know his lines, but he makes big gestures and talks too loud. But our Sunday school teacher says I’m too quiet so I guess I can’t complain about Balth. I try being louder but I feel like I’m yelling. There’s got to be a better way to do this…

-Castiel


	194. Chapter 194

December 18, 1987

We got out of school today for Christmas break! Two weeks of playing with Dean in the snow here I come! But we got to be real careful of his cast. Last time it got too wet and they had to blow dry it and it really stunk.

Things That Make Me Happy

25\. Winter break

-Cas


	195. Chapter 195

December 20, 1987

I went over to Dean’s today and we had a Christmas movie marathon. His dad let us build a big fort out of pillows and blankets and stuff in the living room. John popped us some popcorn so me, Dean, and Sammy ate popcorn and drank hot chocolate and watches all sorts of good movies like Rudolph again. I still like Rudolph. I guess that means Dean is Yukon and Sammy is Hermey! I won’t tell them that though.

-Cas


	196. Chapter 196

December 23, 1987

I told Gabriel about my problem with being too quiet so tonight after our last play practice, Gabriel figured out how to use their microphone system and made it so my voice will boom all over the room when I speak. It sounds so cool!  Now, if Balthazar would just get his lines right.

-Cassie


	197. Chapter 197

December 24, 1987

The play was tonight.  It was great. My voice was really loud and everyone looked in awe at the special effect but the pastor and my Sunday school teacher looked really surprised. Balthazar got his lines… mostly right. Emma played a real good Mary and everyone’s animal costumes looked so cute! At the end everyone clapped real loud and lots of people told me I did real good and asked me who made my costume. Michael said he was proud of me!  Real proud! I didn’t even know he got off work to see my play.  I’m so, so happy.

 

Things That Make Me Happy

26\. Making other people happy

-Castiel


	198. Chapter 198

December 25, 1987

Oh, Christmas was so great this year. Santa brought Anna a pretty winter coat that looks real warm and Balth some new shoes and gloves. Santa also brought Gabriel and Raphael some real warm clothes too. I got new shoes! Good thing too! Mine had a big hole in them. I wonder why Santa didn’t bring Michael anything….  I wish Lucifer would have been here. He would have made sure Michael had something under the tree. But the Winchesters came over and so did Garth and Bobby! We all ate a big Christmas dinner. Dean showed me the remote control car that Santa brought him for Christmas! It was shiny and red and went really fast! I love Christmas. Merry Christmas, Mr. Notebook.

Things That Make Me Happy

27\. Christmas!

28\. Warm clothes

29\. New shoes

-Castiel


	199. Chapter 199

December 27, 1987

Dean, Sammy, and I built a big ramp out of snow. It had to be as tall as Sammy! Balth found us some ply wood to put on top of it. And we drove Dean’s remote control car way over top of it and made it jump in the air! It was so cool! Until a bunch of snow got in the tires and it wouldn’t work no more. But we told John and he fixed it right back up. That’s so cool. I wanna be able to fix things when I get big too. I wonder if Michael can fix things like John. I should ask him.

-Cas


	200. Chapter 200

January 1, 1988

Last night Bobby let us go out on his boat to watch the fireworks over the water again. We wrapped up in big blankets and he gave us hot chocolate from a thermos. The fireworks were so pretty. Reds and yellows and blues and greens lighting up the sky. It looked so pretty lighting up the water. Bobby even let us play with sparklers. We listened to the countdown on the radio. When it hit midnight, I kissed Dean like he kissed me last year. And he pushed me into the lake…. I’m sure it was an accident. Dean wouldn’t mean to harm me. Besides I can swim. But Bobby had to pull me back into the boat really fast and was swearing up a storm about me getting sick or having hypothermia. We went back to Bobby’s house because it was closest and he offered to let us spend the night. I changed into my pajamas but Bobby also made me put on one of his big flannel shirts to keep me extra warm. It’s so cozy… he’s not getting it back. Dean wouldn’t even look at me. He just went right off to bed. Garth asked me why I kissed Dean. I told him it was tradition, but he didn’t look so convince. I don’t understand. Dean kissed me last year? I thought that’s what people did on New Years… But Garth stayed up and drank hot chocolate with me and we watched transformers together until we fell asleep. I wish Sammy would have come last night, though. He always makes Dean happier. And I don’t think Dean’s very happy with me right now.

Things That Make Me Sad:

       35. Dean Winchester

-Castiel


	201. Chapter 201

January 4, 1988

We went back to school today and Dean still isn’t talking to me. I don’t know why.  But he keeps saying he doesn’t want to play. So I’ve been playing with Anna and Balthazar and Sammy. I missed playing with Sammy. He’s little, but he’s funny and likes playing fun games.  Like we pretended we were spacemen and we had to fight the fight the alien threat! I got to be Captain Kirk! I never get to be Captain Kirk – Dean’s usually Kirk. But Sammy wanted to be Spock so it all worked out! Sam makes a good Spock. He’s real smart for his age. I saw Dean watching up from the back window and we asked him to come play with us, but he wouldn’t. At least school wasn’t so bad and Sammy likes playing with me.

Things That Make Me Happy 30\. Playing with Sammy

-Cas


	202. Chapter 202

January 8, 1988

Garth had to go back to the hospital today for more treatments to make sure his cancer is gone. I hope it is. I want Garth to be okay. But Bobby says there’s nothing to worry about. That the doctors will make sure Garth gets all better.

-Castiel


	203. Chapter 203

January 9, 1988

I’m starting to get real mad at Dean.  Bobby wanted to take us all out to celebrate the fact that the doctors say Garth is healthy enough he doesn’t haven’t to stay at the hospital, but Dean refused to go because I was going. Garth looked real sad because he wanted to go to. Sammy wanted to bring Dean back an ice cream cone so Bobby let him. And when we got home and Sammy tried to give it to Dean, Dean ignored him like the big butthole he is. Sammy started to cry… so I sorta took the ice cream from Sammy and squashed it on Dean’s head.  Sammy stopped crying and kinda giggled so I’d say it was worth it. But then Dean tried to hit me but he doesn’t get his cast off until Monday. So he just got real frustrated and yelled. He called me an ugly word… the ugly word that John called Gabriel. I just went home. If Gabriel taught me anything it’s that I don’t have to take ugliness from people and that true friends care about each other and aren’t ugly like that…. But I mighta cried just a little bit. I thought me and Dean were gonna be best friends forever. Now we’re not even okay friends for sometimes.

-Castiel


	204. Chapter 204

January 13, 1988

I finally told Gabriel what happened with Dean. Everyone’s been bothering me about why we haven’t been playing together (and I maybe haven’t been playing with Sammy either, but I’m gonna start playing with him again tomorrow – Dean being a poo head can’t ruin me and Sammy being friend!). I told Mr. Mortis about it this afternoon and he says he’s real proud of me for not letting myself get bullied by Dean and says sometimes it’s better to just let go of negative people in our lives that to hold onto to people that make us feel bad about ourselves. I hope so because I still feel real bad about making Dean hate me. It feels like all my fault.

 Anyway, back to Gabriel. I told Gabriel what happened on New Years and then yesterday. And looked like he was in pain as he listened to me. He reminded me that kissing is a way grown ups show that they really really like or love each other. I do love Dean! But Gabriel says it’s different. That you’re supposed to kiss someone you like _like_ (like have a crush like) on New Years. Then he said Dean’s dad is a “narrow-minded puss-filled sack of bitterness and repressed sexuality”. And he said that John is raising  Dean to be a hallow shell of person by teaching him all those things. I don’t want Dean to be a hallow shell! Dean is sunshine and smiles and bad jokes! Like Gabriel. (Gabe didn’t appreciate the comparison.) I don’t know what to do! Why is John so mean? Why is he making Dean so mean!? I don’t want Dean to be mean. I want him to be happy.

-Castiel


	205. Chapter 205

January 15, 1988

Dean called me Crazy Cas today on the playground. Now all his friends are calling me Crazy Cas too. It hurt real bad. And my chest got all tight and it was hard to breath. But I felt real bad about what I did next.... I told him to put a bag on his head and called him Freckle Face 'cause I know he hates his freckles. All the kids laughed and started teasing Dean by calling him Freckle Face. Dean got real mad and he pushed me so I kicked him in the shin. He might be older, but I'm still strong! But then a teacher came to break it all up. And the principal called Michael and John and now we don't get any recess for a whole week! Michael just kept saying how disappointed he is in me for being violent.... at least Mr. Mortis gave me a high five. Mr. Mortis is always proud of me. I wish Michael could be like Mr. Mortis. Then I wouldn't feel so bad for sticking up for myself. Michael wants me to apologize to Dean tomorrow. I won't though. I refuse. He started it.

-Castiel


	206. Chapter 206

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Time skip. For the sake of moving plot along and not boring everyone to tears. So in case you ignore the date or don't want to do math, so Cas is thirteen and will be fourteen years old in August. Dean just turned fifteen in January.

May 23, 1994

Well, its been awhile.

A lot has happened in the last couple of years.

Raphael went to college – Harvard for Business. Lucifer got out of jail. Michael married Naomi last year, and they just had a baby. His name is Samandriel.

Oh, and Gabriel dropped out of school to go to India with his girlfriend. You remember Kali? I think I mentioned her. Well, they got together after he and Thor broke up. Yeah, her parents decided they were moving back to India and my big brother – the hopeless moron - packed his bags, stole some money from Lucifer, and moved to fucking India. I love him… but he ran away… and left me alone with Naomi. How ever am I supposed to raise up a legion against her with just Balthazar and Anna? I mean, they hate her but Gabriel and I have a special hatred for her. It’s different.

In other news, Garth went into remission, officially, a couple weeks ago. That’s pretty much the only good thing to happen recently.

Other than that… well… I still live in the same old house. My room is a lot more spacious without Gabriel although, I think I may have discovered that I’m as sloppy as him since I no longer have him to blame it on. The Winchesters still live next door. Sam and I hang out a lot. I mean, he’s eleven but he’s still nice and fun to play with. I don’t really talk to Dean much anymore these days. Although, I’ve had to fight him a few times. Dean is acts like such a violent person. It’s funny because I know he isn’t. But his bravado and pride make him strike up a fight with anyone that looks at him wrong. It’s a shame really. He was always so smart. Too bad his pride and prejudice (pun very intended) turned him into the very bully he abhors. It’s almost like the “sissy books” that he somehow believes correspond to homosexuality are trying to teach us lessons. Wow. Mind blown.

I promise. I’m not as bitter as I sound. Honestly, I couldn’t care less about Dean Winchester. He is dust in the wind. A mere speck of pathetic existence that unfortunately crosses my small speck of pathetic existence too often. And next year, I have to go to high school with him. Goodbye peaceful, drama-filled middle school. And hello high school hell. I suppose I can only hope Dean won’t ruin my last summer of peace.

 

-Castiel


	207. Chapter 207

 

June 2, 1994

 Who the fuck am I kidding? Of course Dean Winchester is going to ruin my summer. By dating my sister. This is not okay. I can see them kissing from my window. He needs to shut his window. Yes. Right now. Anna isn’t even supposed to be over there. It’s late. I’m tempted to go lock the doors downstairs so she has to knock and wake up Michael and deal with that can or worms. Doesn’t she know that it’s against every sibling code ever to kiss your sibling’s mortal enemy?

-Castiel


	208. Chapter 208

 June 7, 1994

 

I hate seeing them together. Anna is so giggly and girly and unlike herself. She acts dumb around him which is really stupid. She’s like the most intelligent person I know. She invited him over for dinner and everyone acted like Dean hadn’t tried to murder me when we were eight by pushing me off a boat. No, just friendly conversation. Halfway through dinner, Anna has her hand on Dean’s thigh and Balthazar was leaving to go hang out with some of his friends or whatever he was doing. I had to get out of there but Naomi wouldn’t let me leave the table. It was so awkward. I thought I was going to die of embarrassment. By the time I was excused from dinner, I went up to my room and had to bury my head under a pillow so I couldn’t hear them making all sorts or weird noises in Anna’s room. Oh gross. That’s so gross. Why? Am I a bad person? What did I ever do to deserve this?

 

-Castiel


	209. Chapter 209

June 15, 1994

 

Anna broke it off with Dean. She said he wasn’t mature enough for her. I don’t even want to know what she means by that. But I can hear Dean in his room right now…. And I think he’s crying. It’s none of my business. I’ve spent many days crying and he’s not given a shit. Usually he’s the one that’s caused my tears…. Oh fuck it. I’m going to go check on him. I hate myself.

-

Well, that did not go as expected. So I opened my window and climbed across the tree to sit in his window ledge. I asked him what was wrong.

Instead of him trying to push me out of the window, he just sorta stared at me for a moment before he said, “Dude, I don’t even know anymore. I just thought… I thought she liked me…” or something like that.

What am I supposed to say to that? I told him that Anna “likes” a lot of people and apologized that he got his feelings hurt by her. I mean, no one deserves to have their feelings hurt. But I guess that’s why they call it a crush. Why do I feel so much sympathy for someone whose mission for the past five years has been to make my life miserable? He pushed me into a lake.

But I hugged him (yes, most awkward experience of my young life) and he talked for awhile about Anna. Ugh. Things I did not need to know about my sister! And then he kissed me. Out of the blue. It was disgusting. And I hate him. And he was doing _things_ with my sister not even yesterday…. But it also felt really nice… and we might have kissed a bit more and I might have really liked it? Does that make me a bad person?

 

-Castiel


	210. Chapter 210

June 17, 1994

 

Anna decided to “give Dean another chance”. And Dean accepted.

We had just been hanging out, trying to get back into how things used to be… before he tried to give me hypothermia and ruined any chance I ever had at not being bullied at school. Then he said he wanted to talk about the other night. And said he wasn’t gay but he liked kissing me and that he thinks we should do it some more. As friends. Platonic kissing? I don’t believe that’s a thing. But I agreed anyway even though it makes me feel really dirty.

Then Dean told me about Anna. So he plans to date my sister but still kiss me in secret as a platonic friends sorta thing. I’m sure next thing he’ll say is no one can know we’re friends at schools.

When did my life become a bad afterschool special? I should just tell Dean that I’m not okay with any of this… but I don’t want things to go back to... to him hating me. Even after all these years… Dean’s still been the one person than can make me happy or sad on a whim. I hate that he has that much power over me… but I don’t know how to take it back. I just want to be happy again. And laugh and joke and have fun again. Is that so bad?

 

-Castiel


	211. Chapter 211

June 20, 1994

 

            Over the years, I tried writing in here… a lot.  Writing’s always been something I enjoyed. It helped me a lot. But, one day, I just sat down to write and it stopped bringing me joy.  It felt like a chore tasked to me by Mr. Mortis. I felt so… so heavy every time I’d try to lift a pencil. It was like I was writing with a cement block.

Then a couple weeks ago, I was at a session with Mr. Mortis and he suggested I give it a try again. And, I don’t know, it just felt like one giant relief. You know that feeling when you finally drink cool water after having run like a mile? Yeah, it was that feeling.

I didn’t understand it, but Mr. Mortis says that sometimes depression has that effect on people. It’ll make them go through times when they’re completely apathetic. I have definitely been apathetic these last few years. Apathetic to a poor ex-best-friend. Apathetic to things I enjoy. Apathetic to my siblings. I still feel a little apathetic to the world… but at the same time, I’m just starting to feel like I feel again. Have been for the last couple months. And I never realized how good it would feel to feel again. To longer be numb. It hurts. Don’t get me wrong. But I’d take pain over being numb every day of my life. Wow. That makes me sound like a masochistic. Maybe I am.

            Mr. Mortis says that the reason I’m allowing Dean back into my life is because I’m desperate to feel something…. Especially with so many conditions on our… acquaintanceship? Friendship? Mutual kissing-ship? I don’t even know what it is, to be honest. Dean says platonic kissing because he’s not gay and platonic kissing isn’t gay or something stupid like that? I don’t know. He went off one a big long rant about how the Romans, or was it the Greeks?, used to kiss as a sign of strong friendship and masculinity. I don’t know if I should tell him, but the ancient Greeks were misogynistic. He shouldn’t be taking his advice from people that waged war against their god of the sea. But he says I shouldn’t take advice from a guy that claims to change water into wine and walk on water, so I can’t reason with him.

            Dean’s mentality reminds me of a joke that Gabriel told me once. “I’m not gay, but the guy sucking my dick might just be.” There are two ways to look at this joke. The way Gabriel identifies with it: he’s not gay, he’s pansexual. Or the way it reminds me of Dean: he is trying to hold onto his heterosexuality. He can’t determine a compromise between his homoerotic feelings and his supposed heterosexuality. So he imagines this completely heterosexual urge to make out as a sign of “strong friendship.” At least, that's what I think.

            How can someone so smart be so stupid?

            But that’s pretty much what Mr. Mortis said to me when I told him about the whole Dean and Anna thing. I mean, Mr. Mortis would never call me stupid. I don’t think the word is in his vocabulary, but his eyes definitely know the word well. They were screaming it.  He asked me if I understood that what I was doing would hurt Anna. And then said, if Dean was honorable, then he wouldn’t subject anyone to something like this. He also informed me that I shouldn’t do things that don’t feel right. Just, you know, the things that people say when they have nothing to lose. Doesn’t he realize that I have something to lose? Something huge. Starting with my mind and ending with one of the best friends I’ve ever had.

 

-Castiel


	212. Chapter 212

June 22, 1994

 

I genuinely had a good time today.

            Dean and I stole his dad’s car. I know, I know. Reckless and stupid and we could have gotten hurt. But Dean has his learner’s permit! And we just went out to the lake. It isn’t that far from our houses.

            Anyway, we went out to the lake to swim. It was really weird because when I pulled off my shirt to go swimming, Dean wouldn’t stop staring at me. I was going to ask him what he was looking at, but then he just pulled his own shirt off and asked me if I liked what I saw. I don’t understand. Of course Dean is aesthetically pleasing, but I felt no urge to stare at his soft, pale skin.  I’m guessing Dean is just being weird again. Anyway, we rough housed and played in the water for a while. Then a man with a boat took us tubing. And I may have fallen off… several times. I’ve got some bruises, and it hurt my pride a little bit. But I haven’t laughed this much in a long time.

            Dean says it wasn’t a date.

                        Because he’s not gay.

                                    But it was definitely a date.

            After the lake, we drove out through the country. It was fun just listening to music and chatting about life. Dean pulled over in this little section of woods way out of town. And he put his arm around me and we kissed for a while. It made me feel all tingly and warm. I might be blushing a little just thinking of it. It was really nice until Dean kept trying to rub my back and arms. That was just weird, but I let him do it anyway because he seemed to like it.

            When we got home, we both got in trouble for taking the car out. But we were both holding back laughs as Michael and John yelled at us. I felt like a little kid again. Totally worth being grounded for two weeks.

 

-Castiel


	213. Chapter 213

June 23, 1994

 

            I talked to Anna today. She says she thinks it’s wonderful that Dean and I are friends again.

            Friends.

            Christ.

            I love my sister.

            But “friends.”

            I don’t know whether to laugh or cry at this point.

 

-Castiel

 


	214. Chapter 214

June 24, 1994

 

Mr. Mortis still thinks I need to stop what I’m doing with Dean. But I’m happy. I’m so genuinely happy right now that it hurts. He says that he’s glad I’m happy, but what I’m doing is “toxic to my relationship with my sister”.  He also says I shouldn’t allow Dean to do things I’m not comfortable with, but it’s not like that. Dean was just rubbing my back.

Then he asked me if Dean had tried pressuring me into sex. Mr. Mortis is eighty years old. I don’t want to talk to him about sex. That’s weird. But I told him that I don’t really care about sex and that Dean is “straight” so no worries there.

Of course then we got into a big long discussion about me not caring about sex. But it just doesn’t seem like that big of a deal. I don’t get why everyone acts like its life or death. Probably they’re just exaggerating because everyone else is exaggerating. That’s so stupid. I mean, obviously there are reasons for people to have sex. Like reproduction. But I don’t see why anyone would want to have sex just for what? Fun?

Now Mr. Mortis thinks I’m a “late-bloomer” and that I’ll care when I get older. But I don’t think so.  The whole idea just seems kinda gross.

Longest therapy session ever.

 

-Castiel


	215. Chapter 215

June 30, 1994

 

Perhaps my favorite thing about being grounded is Dean can’t see Anna. Yet Dean comes over to my room via the window every night. We don’t even do anything. We just watch TV and play checkers and talk. Okay, maybe we make out a little, but mostly we just have fun.

 

I know it’s selfish. Dean is technically Anna’s boyfriend. But I just want some of Dean’s attention for myself.

 

And now I have all his attention for myself. But I’m worried. Dean keeps getting handsier and handsier. Like taking off my shirt and…. Other things. And he’s always leaving hickeys on my neck and come on! How am I supposed to hide those in the middle of summer? And he rubs his stuff against mine until he ~~comes~~ ~~cums~~ ejaculates in his pants. Then he’s always offering to get me off, but that’s really the last thing I want. I don’t even like imagining what that would entail. He thinks I’m weird and teases me about it, but he never does anything I tell him not to. I don’t think I’m weird. He’s weird. He’s the one ejaculating in his pants, not me.

 

I called Gabriel, and he actually answered me this time. I told him everything with Anna and Dean. Especially Dean. But he thinks I should stop whining about getting laid – or at least having someone who wants to get me off. (And yes, Gabriel had a field day of laughs and mocking comments when I explained Dean’s insistence about his heterosexuality despite how eager he seems to be… to do stuff. My favorite being Gabriel’s invention of the word “Brojob.”) I expected Gabe to be mad about me ~~kissing~~ ~~sleeping with~~ fooling around with Anna’s boyfriend. But Gabe just told me to “get some” and that Anna was stupid if she didn’t know Dean was cheating on her.

 

I hate that term.

 

**Cheating**.

 

It makes me feel dirty.

 

At least India is treating Gabe well. Although, he claims he’s always sunburnt. I’m sending him baby sunscreen.

 

-Castiel


	216. Chapter 216

July 1, 1994

 

Dean’s upset with me because I chose to hang out with Sam rather than him.

 

Reread that sentence.

 

Dean is upset with you for spending time with your friend when he is **dating** your sister.

 

I ignored him until he realized his mistake. Then he joined me and Sam for _Star Trek_. Sam keeps trying to convince me to dress up as Spock. He claims I’m a natural Vulcan.   I don’t see it, but he says that’s just another part of my Vulcan-ness. But I told him that he had to dress up as Captain Kirk if I dressed up as Spock. Dean spluttered and spit out his coke when I suggested that (I don’t know why), but Sam just laughed and agreed. Maybe that’s what we’ll do for Halloween this year.

 

-Castiel


	217. Chapter 217

July 2, 1994

 

Dean has 43 freckles. And he still snores when he sleeps. And he cuddles me in his sleep so he ends up snoring in my ear and dry humping me (although, I don’t always think he’s completely asleep). Michael got very upset when he found us in bed together this morning. At least we had fallen asleep with our shirts on this time. But Michael wants me to tell Anna and then break it off with Dean. I told him there’s nothing to tell.  And there isn’t. As Dean says, we’re not dating. Just friends. One hundred percent platonic friends. We were just hanging out and fell asleep as far as Micheal knows.

 

But I don’t think he believes that.

 

He always was the smart one. Samandriel is lucky to have a father so bright. Even if, as a brother, Michael needs to mind his own business.

 

-Castiel


	218. Chapter 218

July 4, 1994

 

We all went out to the lake. I hung out with Garth and Sam all night long because I couldn’t handle watching Dean and Anna hold hands and kiss.  I don’t feel like I’ve got the right to be jealous. Dean is Anna’s boyfriend. Anna’s, not mine. But to be honest, I’m kinda glad that Dean was so preoccupied with Anna all night. Watching the fireworks and swimming in the lake and goofing off with everyone was much more enjoyable than sneaking off to do all sorts of unmentionable things like Dean and Anna surely did. I don’t know where else they’d go or why.

 

I wish Dean and I spent less time making out and more time hanging out.  But I think he’d just get all mad and cold if I suggested that.  It’s not like making out is all we do. We hang out a fair bit too. Probably sixty percent of the time we’re together we’re just goofing around. But, still, I’d rather that number be, like, ninety percent. I don’t know what to do with him somedays.

 

-Castiel


	219. Chapter 219

July 11, 1994

 

Didn’t feel like talking to Mr. Mortis today. So he asked me to restart my good things list. I have to say, not much has changed on the list, but he still wants me to start from scratch. So let’s have at it for the next hour so Michael’s money isn’t completely wasted.

 

  1.       My family (for the most part)
  2.       Church
  3.       Sam
  4.       Meg (on a good day)
  5.       Garth and Bobby
  6.       Cool drinks of water on a hot day
  7.       Swimming
  8.       Sci-fi and fantasy novels
  9.       Snow ball fights
  10.   The color yellow
  11.   Sunshine
  12.   Warm fires on winter nights
  13.   Soft sweaters
  14.   Doing well on a test without studying
  15.   Doing well on a test I studied really hard for
  16.   Drawing
  17.   Having people like my drawings
  18.   Poetry
  19.   Strawberry ice cream
  20.   Bees
  21.   That feeling when I was finally able to call myself fluent in Spanish
  22.   And in French
  23.   Not failing a math test
  24.   Fresh salads
  25.   good burgers
  26.   corny jokes
  27.   star trek
  28.   William Shatner
  29.   Nirvana
  30.   Christmas
  31.   Halloween!
  32.   Winning – anything, really. I just like winning.
  33.   Summer vacation
  34.   Winter break
  35.   Not going to school in general
  36.   Blanket/pillow forts
  37.   Sleepovers with Sam
  38.   Phone calls from Gabriel
  39.   Samandriel’s cute little smile
  40.   Naomi dying miserably (I can only dream)
  41.   Going out to the lake



 

That’s all for now. Might add more. Might not. Hopefully not. This was kinda hard.

 

-Castiel

 

 

Okay, so, Mr. Mortis looked over my list and his only comment was “Where’s Dean?” And I don’t know. It just didn’t feel right to put him on there… and actually, I didn’t even think of Dean.

 

-Cas


	220. Chapter 220

July 13, 1994

 

Roses are red.

Violets are blue.

I’m not writing you a fucking poem, I said.

This is therapy not Dead Poet’s Society - Fuck you.

 

-Castiel

 

I don’t want to be at this session.

I’m not a puddle of emotions for you to mop.

Not everything is about my depression.

I’m just tired. Please stop.     

 

-Castiel

 

[insert sappy line here]

[insert line with dramatic symbolism here]

[insert line that rhymes with first line]

[Insert line that rhymes with second line]

 

-Castiel

 

You’d think you’d get the point by now.

I don’t know why you keep asking.

I’m about to take a silent vow

If you keep saying I’m using aggression as emotional masking

 

-Castiel


	221. Chapter 221

July 15, 1994

             I am going to throw Dean out of a window.

 

~~That is all.~~

 

              _**NO!**_ That’s not all. ~~I need to start from the beginning.~~ I don’t want to start from the beginning. That asshole has the audacity -  the audacity to kiss me? Fuck him. I deserve more respect than that. I told him no. I told him I just wanted to be friends! And his response? To kiss me. ~~Fuck him~~. No. I hope no one ever fucks him ever. ~~I hope he lives a lonely, miserable life.~~ I hope his milk is sour and his food tastes bad and he has bad hair days for the rest of his life.

 

              I hate this. I hate this so much. I just want my best friend. I don’t want a boyfriend. I don’t want a friend with benefits. I just want someone to hang out with.

 

 Fuck it. I’m getting tears all over the page.

 

               I don’t want Sam. I don’t want Garth. I don’t want Gabe or Anna or Balth or Meg or anyone. I just want Dean to sit down and listen to me for ten minutes. Ten minutes without kissing or groping me. Ten minutes for me to just talk to him about this whole fucked up situation. I don’t want to hurt Anna. I didn’t want her to have to know about what me and Dean have been doing but apparently I’m not good enough for him unless I’m putting out.

              I need to tell Anna. She’s gonna hate me, but I have to tell her. She deserves to know. She deserves to know what an asshole Dean is. She deserves to hear it from me too. I’m scared.

 

              Worst case scenario: she throws me out of a window and I don’t have to deal with all this. Best case scenario: she cries. No, flip that. That’s the wrong way around. Best case scenario she’s pissed at me. Worst case she feels betrayed but forgives me.

 

              Oh I hope she doesn’t forgive me.

  
-Castiel


	222. Chapter 222

July 16, 1994

                               **“Forgiveness is the final form of love.”**

                                                                                                                                                                                         -Reinhold Niebuhr

                              “For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.  But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.”

                                                                                                                                                                                         -Matthew 6: 14-15

               Mr. Mortis would say I’m rationalizing irrational behavior.  But I have a theory that Mr. Mortis has never been in love before. How could anyone who’s ever been in love believe that that’s any rationale so to speak in the action of lovers? Look at Romeo and Juliet…. ~~Catherine and Heathcliff!~~  No, not them. Uh... you know what I mean. Lovers do irrational things and it’s okay because they love each other. Even if Dean won’t admit he loves me like I love him… I like to think that deep down he does. He truly cares about me as I care about him. So… of course I forgave him. It was only a kiss, right?

               And really, it would just hurt Anna if I told her. Sometimes it takes people longer to come out of the closet. Gabriel said that. Dean just needed a metaphorical “beard”. According to Gabriel, Anna is Dean’s “beard”. The mask that makes him seem heterosexual.   ~~That makes sense, right?~~

               Okay, I’m definitely rationalizing irrational behavior. Mr. Mortis says when I ask questions like that, it’s because I know the answer and don’t like it. And I don’t like it. I mean, Dean trying to maintain his heterosexuality makes perfect sense. I’ve met his father.

               John. I shouldn’t get started on John because I don’t want a hand cramp. But I’ve never met a more repressed man in my life. In and out of rehab for years. An alcoholic that just can’t beat it - but he can definitely beat his own children! Okay, that was only one time… and he had been drinking… and it really wasn’t a beating. It was just a slap. But that’s not okay! It is not okay for a parent to ever hit their child. And he’s made Dean believe that there’s something wrong with him. ~~Not just the gay stuff. I mean, yes that. But so much more.~~ He makes Dean feel so inferior. Yet Dean always comes back with “he’s trying his hardest”. Well I try my hardest on math tests but sometimes I still fail. Trying doesn’t negate the fact that one sucks. And John sucks as a parent. He cares. Of course he cares. Or else he wouldn’t do the stuff he does. But he just messes up every time he opens his mouth. His caring is poisonous. And I hate it. I hate him. I shouldn’t. It’s not Christ-like to hate people. But it’s not “Christ-like” to make out with boys either and I still do that.

               I’m off track. So Dean apologized and I forgave him, and now I’m not going to tell Anna about what’s been going on. But only because Dean agreed that we can chill on the touching and kissing and such. ~~There’s no crime in being friends, right?~~

               Yes, I know the answer to that.

               Yes, I don’t like the answer. Therefore I’m going to ignore it.

-Castiel


	223. Chapter 223

July 20, 1994

 

    Freshman orientation was today. Ms. Potts - a slender blonde woman with long cat-like nails that made me wonder if she murdered people with them - showed us around the school and helped us sign up for classes. Michael tried to convince me to take honors algebra since I’m already taking Honors English, but I suck at math. Besides, I’ve haven’t even finished my summer homework for that. Oh shit. I haven’t even finished my summer work. I should probably finish reading Things Fall Apart…. I just hate it. So much. Yams. So many yams and death. Yams and death and exile and intrusive Christian missionaries who make me cringe.

 

    Right.  Enough of that. After orientation, Sam and I rode our bikes down to the creek to catch crawdads. I wasn’t  quite sure where Dean was or we probably would have invited him to come along too. But we had a lot of fun without him. We kicked our shoes off and went fishing. Sam’s really good at it. He caught like eight of them! I swear it had to be the same one every time and he really just had a pet. But he claims they were different and who am I to rain on his parade? When we came home, we were both caked in mud and soaked to the bone, but it was so much fun. It’s nice hanging out with Sam. I feel bad because I haven’t done that enough lately. Do you think he gets mad at me? Surely not.

 

    Dean’s knocking at my window.

 

-Castiel


	224. Chapter 224

July 23, 1994

 

Sometimes I really wonder why I’m always so dumb. I don’t know why I even try sometimes.

 

Balth is yelling at Anna about being stupid and irresponsible. This seems exceptionally backwards compared to their usual roles. I’ve never seen Balth so angry. He’s usually pretty relaxed about these things.

 

“Your dumb boyfriend could have gotten you and Cas both killed.”

Oh. That explains that.

 

-Cas


	225. Chapter 225

July 24, 1994

 

    Dean invited me to a high school party last night. He told me that him and some of his friends were going to meet out on his buddy Benny’s land for a big ol’ bonfire and some good music and such. Dean’s dad even let him take the truck. Which - how cool is that! Michael would never let me drive alone on a permit. It was supposed to be really cool. I was kinda excited about getting to meet people before school started and even more excited because this means Dean’s not ashamed to be seen with me. Heck, he drove me out to the party and everything.

 

    Except, Anna was there. And so was copious amounts of alcohol for how young everyone was. It started pretty okay though. We all sat around the bonfire, laughing and telling jokes...  and the rest of them drank a couple beers. I refused (although, note to self, school is wrong. Peers will respect you more if you just say you don’t drink than saying you’re trying to cut down on your drinking. Also, peers will not believe said lie.).

 

     I don’t remember whose idea it was - a girl’s, I think - that suggested we play spin the bottle. It was really okay until the bottle finally landed on me. I don’t remember the girl’s name who I had to kiss, but her mouth tasted like watermelon and beer. Also she had really pretty long hair and a nice face. It wasn’t completely horrible. What was completely horrible was when I spun the bottle, it landed on this boy who I think is a junior. He was nice looking. Don’t get me wrong. A boy hadn’t landed on another boy all night. And the girl who landed on another girl just kissed her cheek. But my face was really red because everyone started whistling and clapping. (I think they were very intoxicated at this point). The boy refused, saying he wasn’t a “fag”. Which, is pretty much what I expected. And I said I’d spin it again. But Dean stopped me.

 

    “Well I ain’t chicken shit.”

 

    That was all he said before he just leaned over and kissed me. Right there in front of Anna and everyone. And people whistled some more and some of them seemed shocked, but Dean just kissed me like he usually would. What else could I do? I kissed him back. When he pulled back, he had a smirk on his face which he flashed at the other boy like he was trying to prove a point.

 

    Best night of my life, right?

 

    Wrong.

 

    Dean was very inebriated. I just didn’t feel safe allowing him to drive me home. So I called Balthazar to come pick me up. Dean thought I was being a big baby, but I didn’t think Dean should have been driving. Little less was I going to soberly get into a car with him and maybe die. To make matters worse, Balthazar made Anna go home with him. He was just really torn up about the thought of Dean driving us home intoxicated.  It was just weird.

 

    Then today Dean comes over to hang out with Anna. And I can overhear her telling him how gross it was watching him kiss me. Well, maybe now she knows how I feel. Too bad she’s the girlfriend and not me. Sometimes I wish I had just been born a girl. Everything would be so much easier that way.

 

    -Castiel


	226. Chapter 226

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: this chapter deals with issue of gender. I see Castiel as genderless (which becomes a bit more complicated when you make him an almost 14 yr old person that's never really gave it much thought). Before you leave a nasty comment about this or that, I am agender and Cas has very little education on gender.

July 27,1994

 

          Note to self: telling therapist that you wish you had been born a girl will lead to very insightful and very awkward questions like…

 

          Do you feel uncomfortable in your body? No. It’s my body. How would I feel uncomfortable in it?

 

          Do you wish to dress “like a girl”? Eh. I like my clothes.

 

          Do you want to be called a girl? I don’t really care.

 

          Pronouns? I don’t even understand that question. He pretty much asked if I wanted to be called a “she” but that’s stupid. I don’t care about pronouns. They’re just words.

 

           Are you comfortable being a boy? I guess? What else would I be?

 

           Do you want a vagina? Yes, he seriously asked that. I told him I don’t care, but he seemed rather conflicted by my “complacency.” I just don’t see what it matters. A vagina is a vagina. A penis is a penis. They’re just genitals. Some people like rubbing them together. And they make babies. That’s all I really know about them.

 

           Now do you see my struggle? I don’t think I’m complacent. I just don’t feel like any of that matters. The only reason I said that was because if I was girl, Dean would be dating me and not Anna because he wouldn’t need some metaphorical “beard” to make him look heterosexual.

         
           But Mr. Mortis seems to think I should be uncomfortable with the idea of being girl. Why? I mean, I do like my clothes. But if I was a girl, I’d wear girls clothes… comfortable girl clothes.

 

           Jesus Christ, save me. Mr. Mortis told Michael. And Michael seems to think it’s a big deal too. God. This whole awkward conversation seemed to drag on forever. I don’t care about the whole boy-girl thing. Is that so weird? Obviously Mr. Mortis and Michael seem to think so.

 

          That conversation obviously went no where besides Michael asking me repeatedly if I was a girl and explaining transgender people and telling me “it’s okay”. But I don’t care. He just needs to accept that.

 

          I tried talking to Dean about it. But he just kept going on about how he couldn’t see himself as a girl. And if he was a girl, he’d just play with his boobs all day. Okay, Dean.

 

          I don’t know. Maybe I’m weird.

 

-Castiel

 

          


	227. Chapter 227

July 30,1994

 

Camping trip with Sam, Bobby, and Garth. The fire light is not the best to write by. But I don’t have long. Bobby is taking us snipe hunting. I’ve never wished to hunt a snipe, but Bobby seems to insist that it will be fun.

 

-Castiel

  
Update: Snipe hunting is a ruse. One can not catch birds by hitting sticks together and squawking. It took me all of an hour to figure this out. My throat hurts. Bobby seems to find this hilarious. Conclusion: Bobby is an ass. 


	228. Chapter 228

August 3, 1994

 

Freshman had their first day today.. We just went to all our classes and met our teachers. It was no big deal. I have Honors English first block and I think I’m going to get along with Mrs. Miles really well. She agreed with me that  _Things Fall Apart_ is pretty dull to read, but she doesn't have any control of the curriculum and the book is required reading. Unfortunately.

 

Then I have Algebra because the universe hates me and I’m not allowed to have nice things. Even the teacher looks mean and wicked. I looks like the kind of teacher that does binder checks. Ugh.

 

But then I have Creative Writing with Mrs. Miles (again) so not all is bad, I guess. She made us all write down a poem or a blurb or whatever we wanted about our summers. This was mine:

 

_Summer breeze so gentle, so light_

_Like the laughter of bonds, newly mended_

_Yet behind close door, tensions ignite_

_Lovers crash and friendship suspended_

_Who here knows the soft tenor of  their voice?_

_Who anywhere can enumerate the freckles upon their skin?_

_My heart flutters - the hymns of angels as they do rejoice._

_Yet my blood burns with licentious sin_

_Siblings duel who before never bicker_

_Crimes against kin are a hidden layer_

_The web of lies grow thicker and thicker_

_My heart wants what isn't fair_

_My mind  always knows the right decision_

_But between the dual forces, still lies fission_

 

 

Anyway, last block is gym. And we’ll be expected to change out every day. Which means more laundry for me to do. But how bad can Team Sports be? I always did enjoy playing games like football and baseball and such. This can’t be any different.  Besides, Dean has Team Sports last so we should be in class together.

  
-Castiel


	229. Chapter 229

 

August 8, 1994

 

First full day of school. Dean and I walked Sammy to the middle school and then headed to school together.  Dean asked me to come hang out with him and his friends until it was time to go to homeroom. And they were all really nice. None of them mentioned the party or the kiss or seemed at all phased that Dean was with me instead of Anna (she thought it was pointless to walk Sam to school. I  can already see the argument that is yet to come.).

 

It really wasn’t the worst day of my life like I had predicted. Dean helped me when I forgot my way to class (he walked me to two of them). I ate lunch with this girl named Charlie. She’s got really red hair and she talks about weird geeky stuff like Dean does. She’s a sophomore, but she just moved here from Illinois. I invited her to come hang out with me at the park after school, and she agreed. I think we’re gonna be great friends.

 

The day only got better. We didn’t have to change out in gym today, although we do have to tomorrow. And after school, Dean and I rode our bikes down to the park and hung out with some of his friends. Charlie showed up, and I  got to introduce her to everyone (well, to Dean who introduced her to Benny and Ash and the others). She seemed to fit right in with all her dorky humor.

 

Dean asked me if I liked her on the ride home. I know what he meant, and I don’t see why hanging out with a girl would intrinsically mean I have to be attracted to her. I should have said that. But I didn’t.

 

I told him to mind his own business.

 

-Castiel

 

 


	230. Chapter 230

 

August 10, 1994

 

Coach Epperson pulled me aside into his office today and asked me to join the JV football team. Just because we were forced to throw football today. He told me I have a good arm and they need a quality quarterback to round out the team.  I told him I had never played football on a team before, but he said he could teach me everything I need to know before our first game. I asked and he said that junior varsity doesn’t have morning workouts, so I agreed. My first practice is tomorrow after school if Michael agrees to let me try out. I just have to get a physical before the first game.

 

I’d be more excited, but after he asked me about the team, he asked me if I was gay. Yeah. He said it has been brought to some of my classmate’s attention that I had kissed a boy (Dean) and some were uncomfortable changing in the locker room with me (but Dean’s okay, apparently? What the fuck?) I don’t think I ever did anything to make them uncomfortable. I just change like everyone else. And I told the coach that. Then I told him I was more interested in football than people. He laughed and agreed to tell the guys to suck it up.

 

-Castiel


	231. Chapter 231

 

August 12, 1994

Ugh. I think I’m dead. I got my physical at the free clinic yesterday after practice so I got to do more than learn the rules and plays today. Now I’m sore all over. This exercise stuff is dumb. Whoever thought this was a good idea? I need to go nap for about three days. But I’ve got practice again tomorrow. Why did I sign up for this?

 

At least Dean thinks it’s pretty cool. He just warned me not to become a “meat-head” jock or we couldn’t be seen together anymore. I think it was joke though.

 

But not all is bad! I made a new friend today. She’s in my Algebra class and she’s really good at math too.  No one seems to keen to talk to her. Some asshole called her a bitch. I don’t know why. She’s very sweet. Maybe because she wears nice clothing and she’s sorta quiet? That’s the only reasoning behind it I can see. But she sits beside me and we talked about stuff. She doesn’t like talking about her parents and I told her I knew that feeling. And then she gave me this really sweet smile with really sad eyes.  We both really like the new TV show that just came out, Friends. It’s about the people who are all friends (obviously) living in New York and, yeah, it’s really funny. Anyway, since Sunday's my birthday, I invited her over. She said she’d have to ask her parents.

 

I hope Bela can come over!

 

-Castiel

 

 


	232. Chapter 232

August 14, 1994

 

Lucifer bought me a bunch of girl clothes and makeup for my birthday because apparently Michael told him about what happened with Mr. Mortis. I just came home from school today and they were all there on my bed. To make it worse, Charlie and Bela were both there and they saw all the dresses and skirts and blouses and stuff. Bela said they were all really high-end clothing and the makeup  was expensive.  And Charlie asked what they were doing in here. I tried to make up some excuse about Anna leaving her stuff in my room, but neither of them seemed to believe me. So I just told them that I don’t really care about all the gender stuff and my brothers keep thinking that means I wanna be a girl, when I don’t. They both thought it was pretty weird.

 

Then Charlie dared me to put on a dress. And… I can’t say no to a dare. It was a pretty dress and surprisingly comfortable. Its white and has blue flowers on it. Bela offered to do my makeup and I let her since we had time before dinner. It felt weird and it’s definitely not something I would do myself. But I put the stuff away in a bag under my bed when we were done and put the clothes away in my closet and my dresser. I kept the dress on though. It was comfortable and Charlie and Bela said it looked good on me.

 

Dean, Sam, John, Garth, and Bobby all came over for dinner and presents and birthday cake. Dean snorted pop out his nose when I came downstairs with Bela and Charlie. Naomi looked ready to faint.. And...well… lots of people looked shocked so maybe Michael wasn’t running his mouth as much as I thought. I just smiled at them all because honestly, I don’t give one fuck. Sam laughed and said it matched my eyes - I thanked him and we all had a good time. As the night wound down, I watched Friends with Sam, Garth, and Bela while the adults argued in hushed tones. I think Charlie and Dean were talking about Star Wars or something… I’m not sure where Anna was though. Or Balthazar for that matter.

 

After Michael had taken Bela and Charlie home, Naomi ranted at me about confusing Samandriel. I ignored her though and went upstairs to shower and get dressed for bed. I was already in my pajama pants and t-shirt when Dean came in through the window. He didn’t comment on my attire from that evening. He just smiled and kissed my forehead and we laid down in bed to talk.

 

Then he gave me the best birthday present yet before he had to go back home.  He told me he had broken up with Anna.

 

Thank the Lord. I hope this break up sticks.

 

-Castiel

 

 


	233. Chapter 233

August 17, 1994

 

I got a call from Gabriel today. He was wishing me a belated happy birthday. He mentioned the dress, asking me about it. I told him it was comfortable and that was the end of that, thankfully.

 

But he’s not in India anymore. Kali had an arranged marriage who she never told him about, he said. But he’s in Denmark now. He says it prefers it up here where he doesn’t get sun burns. He tries to sound like he’s so put together, but I know he’s hurting. He really did love Kali. I wish things would have worked out for them.

 

-Castiel

 

 


	234. Chapter 234

August 26, 1994

 

We had our first JV game tonight! I think I did pretty well. I mean, we won! It was 21 to 14, but a win is a win, is it not? And I got to go out with a bunch of the guys afterward for pizza. I’m actually making friends on the team. This is so much fun.

 

I don’t want to jinx anything… but I’m happy. Not just that, but light. I feel like I can fly. And it’s so great.

  
-Castiel


	235. Chapter 235

August 29, 1994

 

Mr. Mortis and I went out to the lake today. He made he take off my shoes and walk in the wet sand with him. After we had walked along the shore for awhile, he said, “Castiel, look behind us. What do you see?” Nothing, of course. The water had washed away the footprints we have left in the sand and the rocks had dried since we walked on them. So my response was, of course, just some sand and rocks and water.

 

“Where do you think our footprints have gone?” Mr. Mortis asked. They were washed away or evaporated, obviously.

 

“They’re gone. Just like our pasts. It is behind us and as we get further away, it fades more and more. If you continue to dwell in a past that slowly disappearing, you might just miss the beautiful future ahead of you,” He said in that gentle, ancient voice he always uses when he says something wise. He put a hand on my shoulder and turned me back around. And right ahead of us was the most gorgeous sunset I’ve ever seen. I could barely breathe and my eyes definitely got teary. It might seem disgustingly sentimental and cliche, but...

 

I don’t know. Everything is so vast and impossible, but it’s real. And the past does fade. And the future doesn’t have to be something bleak to dread.

 

“You start high school, this year, don’t you, Castiel?” Mr. Mortis asked, though he knew the answer. “You’re so young and fragile, my boy. But in your heart of hearts lies a warrior.” About this point is where he looked down at me and put his hands on my shoulders to make sure I was listening to him or something.  “That warrior is selfless and kind and strong.”

 

I don’t feel strong. And I told him that.

 

“But you are, my boy. There will come a day when I won’t be here to hold your hand. But I know you will walk strong and make the right choices. Because no matter what struggles you have faced, you have overcome them all. I need you to keep your head up. And keep those eye bright. No matter what, you never let someone crush that warrior in your heart,” Mr. Mortis said firmly. “And most of all… never let someone take the love from your heart. Your capacity to love and forgive in greater than you believe. Hold fast, Thursday’s child. You have far to go.”

 

I hugged him. It might have been the most therapeutic session we’ve ever had.

 

-Castiel

 

 


	236. Chapter 236

 

August 30, 1994

 

Mr. Mortis is dead.

 

-Castiel


	237. Chapter 237

Roger R. Mortis

Born November 1, 1914 in Wichita, KS.

Married to Eve Adams May 12, 1936 in Clearwater, KS.

Estimated time of death 3:00 AM August 30, 1994 in Lawrence, KS at 80 years old.

Heart attack in his sleep.

Survived by his daughter April Reaps (55),  granddaughter Fate Cortez (26), and great-grand daughter Maria Hope Cortez (4).

Funeral at 12:00 PM on September 4.


	238. Chapter 238

_**WHY!?!?!** _

What sort of God would let this happen? What sort of evil despicable useless motherfucking god would take the one person from me that I need? Why would he leave me? I need him. **_I need him._**

no

no

no

 no

**no**

**no**

**no**

**no**

**NO**

**NO  
**

_**NO** _

 

_**NO!** _

 

_**fuck all of this** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ************MAJOR MAJOR MAJOR suicide trigger warning in the next chapter. ***************


	239. Chapter 239

If Michael asks me if I'm okay one more time, I'm going to eat the raw end of shotgun barrel. 


	240. Chapter 240

The funeral was not lovely.

It was not beautifully tragic.

Anna, you didn't even fucking know him. Shut your mouth. This isn't some novel for you to over analyze and romanticize.  He was a person. I don't care how much I complained about him. I love him. People love him. And now... I'll never see him again.

He looked so...so cold and pale

I don't want to be here anymore.

I want to go to sleep and never wake up.


	241. Chapter 241

Sept. 29, 1994

I have never enjoyed hospitals. They smell too sterile, and they make my stomach churn. But as much as I thought Michael wasn't paying attention, apparently passing out on the football field is a good indicator that I haven't been eating. And their solution is to force feed me? I can't help but think that Dean had something to do with this. It's likely he told Michael I haven't eaten anything in two weeks now. But how can I when I just want to vomit it all back up? Starving is better than stomach acid burning my esophagus. You know, you'd think for as much as Dean enjoys underage drinking and promiscuity, that he'd be opposed to authority figures. But I don't think Dean quite knows how to say no to a direct order. It's rather inconvenient if you ask me. 

I have to start seeing a new therapist. Michael said so. Apparently Fate, Mr. Mortis's granddaughter, is a therapist and will be taking over his practice. I'm supposed to be seeing her - actually, she's supposed to come see me while I'm being forcibly fed in the hospital.  I don't want another therapist. I want Mr. Mortis to be alive. I want to be able to talk to him. It's not going to be the same.

This is a nightmare. Dean has refused to leave my side in the hospital - even when I told him he stinks and needs to go take a shower before he makes me heave up my IV drip (he didn't think this was funny oddly enough). My father has even visited the hospital and Michael is here as often as possible with Samandriel. Charlie and Bela visited me today. They said a few of my teammates are arranging to come see me as soon as I feel up to visitors. Whatever that means. Lucifer and Lilith dropped by - did I tell you they got married? Yes, they got married a couple of months ago. They eloped. It's not like any of us would have been invited to the wedding anyway. Anna keeps sobbing to me about anorexia and how it's not the solution... and... I'm not anorexic. I don't have any issues with my  body. I just can't eat without vomiting, and I hate vomiting.

I wish everyone would go away. Everyone. I just want to sleep and cry and cease existing. Is that so much to ask?

-Castiel

 


	242. Chapter 242

Sept. 30, 1994

"Death and grief are normal parts of life, Castiel."

Really? I thought everyone else pissed sunshine and shit rainbows out their ass.

"I know you've been socialized to think expressing emotion is weak and effeminate, but our conversations are always a 'safe place'."

Fate seems nice. Don't get me wrong. She seems like she genuinely cares. Obviously this situation deeply affected her as well. But she doesn't know me. I don't know her. And I don't want to open up to her. She asked me if she could see my diary, knowing Mr. Mortis had encouraged me to write in it often (I'm not sure how unless she went through my file which... I hope she didn't). But I can't.  These are my private thoughts. She doesn't need to know about them. She might not understand... I doubt she could ever understand like Mr. Mortis.

She just kept talking about if I had been taking my meds and how they should help me deal with my grief. How is she a licensed therapist? Like antidepressants suddenly make it okay that Mr. Mortis is dead?  That's not how these things work, and she should know that! She keeps calling it depression. I almost feel like correcting her. Of course dysthymia is a form of depression, but it's not just depression. Maybe I'm being a bit spiteful though. 

If this day couldn't get any worse, a home-bound teacher came to the hospital today to deliver my homework and she informed Michael that I'm failing Algebra and soon I'll be failing English if I don't make up my work. Algebra doesn't particularly surprise me. It's boring and I don't understand math. But English hurts a little. I've been trying really hard. I just haven't had the energy to keep up with all the books and essays she assigning all at once.  Michael didn't say anything to me about it, but I have a feeling that once I'm released there will be hell to pay. Probably not even from Michael, but from Naomi.

I think Gabriel had the right idea when he got out of this hell hole.

-Castiel


	243. Chapter 243

Oct. 3, 1994

Released from the hospital today. Dean is still relentlessly just present. Naomi is relentlessly bitchy. Michael won’t show any trace of what he feels or thinks.

And Anna.

Don’t get my started on Anna.

She thinks she’s so smart and wonderful and knows everything. But she knows nothing. She is the epitome of the word “vapid”. She is dull and senseless and ignorant. I should feel bad for hurting her. But the words just sorta spilled out. The fact she seemed completely clueless as to what Dean and I had been up to back when they were dating, it’s only another testimony to how utterly ignorant and blind she is. But it got her to go away. And I don’t feel bad.

School tomorrow. Joy.

-Castiel


	244. Chapter 244

Oct. 4, 1994

I’ve been put on academic probation. But the coach says I’m not off the team yet like this is something I should really care about.

Why are people so disgustingly narrow minded? Does tunnel vision help them cope with the evidentiality of death and the meaninglessness of life? Perhaps. Otherwise I’d expect more people would just lay back and allow death to curl it’s dark tendrils around their fragile, useless forms and succumb to the bleak embrace of nothingness. Oh sweet nothingness. Why do you elude me?

-Castiel


	245. Chapter 245

Oct. 5, 1994

Gabriel called me for the first time since I was hospitalized. He yelled at me for a bit, mostly out of worry, I suppose. But then he told me to “get your Wednesday Addams sulking head out of your ass and get on with your life” before he flies all the way home just to do it for me.

I was crying... but I smiled for the first time in a long time too. It felt good.

-Cas


	246. Chapter 246

Oct. 7, 1994

I got to play some in tonight’s game. I was still a little weak, but it felt good to do something normal. Dean came out with me and the team to an after party. He kept a good foot between us, but he didn’t flirt with any girls either. I guess his presence wasn’t as annoying as it has been. Marginally. It was actually a pretty okay night.

-Castiel


	247. Chapter 247

Oct. 10, 1994

Castiel.

_Cas_ \- Latin. Meaning: “to fall”

- _tiel_ Latin. Meaning: “from God”

Castiel therefore means “to fall from God”. Hmph.

This was Fate’s idea of an exercise in confidence building. Looking up the meaning of my name is supposed to be enlightening or something. Obviously she didn’t do her homework before suggesting this. But now she’s asking me to put a positive spin on it. How can one make falling from grace a positive thing? I feel like my name right now. Fallen. Beaten. Broken. Deficient.

But I’m trying. I don’t want to wallow. So… to fall from God would have to mean that at one point there was a God to fall from and a pedestal I was on. If there are greater heights, then that means redemption is possible. An uphill battle, sure. But possible. Rock bottom doesn’t have to be my constant state of existence. And that is a very comforting thought.

-Castiel


	248. Chapter 248

October 13, 1994

I’m really starting to feel stronger. Holding down solid food is probably helping with that. Also, the antidepressants Fate changed me to in the hospital actually seem to work? I’m not singing show tunes, but I just feel lighter. Like it’s not so hard to get out of bed. I wish Mr. Mortis was here to see this. I haven’t felt this good in years. I miss him so much… but I know he’d be happy. He’d tell me to hold onto the good days. I’m going to hold onto this feeling. As long as I can.

-Cas


	249. Chapter 249

October 16, 1994

Anna finally confronted me about the mess with Dean. She yelled a lot and cried a little. I think she might have even taught me a couple of swears and insults. She is rather vicious when she wishes to be. I actually feared for my life at more than one point. I can’t exactly blame her for being upset with me.

But we talked. Really talked. And I told her everything. Even things she said she didn’t want to hear because she deserved the truth. I never thought I’d have to explain the concept of bisexuality to her what with Balthazar and Gabriel. But I think she understands a bit better now. Of course, she did ask if all bisexuals were “cheating bastards”. And my answer was, of course, no, we just picked one of the rotten ones in the bunch. She actually laughed at that.

I know she’s still upset with me. And she should be. But I don’t think she hates me. She even told me that if I wanted to be with Dean that I could be. But I’m with my sister on this one. Dean needs to mature some more before I take that venture. Besides, I don’t need a relationship right now. I just need some good friends. We hugged and hopefully made up. I’m fortunate to begin healing my relationship with her.

-Cas


	250. Chapter 250

October 18, 1994

Bela made me go Halloween shopping with her after school. She wanted to get something “sexy enough to be interesting” without “being an open invitation”. I didn’t really get what she meant by that. I reminded her that she’s fifteen, but she just argued this is our first year of high school Halloween parties and we have to establish our high school careers now. Yeah, I didn’t get that either.

She tried on a lot of costumes. And I thought they all looked good on her. She has a lovely body and a pretty face. Yet she just tsks at everything. One makes her look too fat. (My response: “You can’t just look fat. You either have fat or you don’t. And I hope you have fat on your body.”) Another makes her look flat chested. ("You're fifteen, Bela.) But she just rolled her eyes and complained that she should have brought Charlie instead. I think Charlie would be as hopeless as I am when it comes to this stuff though. I suggested she invite Dean but she claimed he’d end up making her pick the “sluttiest” thing in the store. I don’t think so, but I didn’t argue with her.

She ended up getting a “sexy” devil costume. It wasn’t very practical for torturing souls in hell, but she said that wasn’t the point. She bought me a matching angel costume. The male costume. I did try on the female costume for her amusement but I didn’t have the boobs for it. She agreed that I’d upstage her in that if we walked into a party together anyway. I prefer the pants anyway.

-Cas


	251. Chapter 251

October 21, 1994

We lost tonight’s game unfortunately. And Dean got a bit too drunk at the after party. He actually danced. With me.  (Note to self: never dance again. You can't.) Probably a little more than he should have. He tried kissing me, but it was an easy move to dodge. He didn’t complain much. I ended up having to drive him home even though I don’t have my permit yet. We got there in one piece though. When I dragged him into his house, his dad was passed out in front of the TV. Here I thought John had given up the alcohol again. But I got Dean undressed and into bed, and as I left I put a blanket over John. I’m so tired. Heading to bed. I’ll write more tomorrow.

-Castiel


	252. Chapter 252

October 23, 1994

Okay, so I lied about writing. Sorry. Charlie, Bela, Sam and Dean, and Benny all came over for a movie night last night. Dean invited Benny, but Benny’s not all that bad. I mean, we get along at football practice so there’s gotta be something said for that.

Of course, with Halloween on it’s way we all decided to watch horror movies. We still had a lot of Gabriel’s VHS tapes and he was, of course, a fan of B-horror. Ugh. And Dean was in hysterics pretty much the entire time. Nothing ruins the horror mood like laughter. But by the end of every movie I think we were all laughing.

I ended up using Dean as a pillow around the time one o’clock hit. He didn’t seem to mind much. Plus, he’s got a nice squishy stomach. Perfect pillow stomach. I fell asleep around three in the morning.

Charlie and I were the first to wake up this morning. And I honestly think I give off pheromones that draw gay people to me. Because she just casually asks me if I think she has a chance with Bela. How would I know? I don’t even know my own sexuality, little less anyone else’s. Of course now Charlie asked me what I meant by that. I tried to explain to her that while I’m cool with like… kissing and cuddling and stuff with generally anyone, I don’t really have any interest in sex with boys or girls.

“Weird.” Yeah, I know, I am Charlie. I know. Thankfully she dropped the subject and we made breakfast for everyone.  (Burnt it.) It was a good morning overall though. It feels good to have friends.

-Cas


	253. Chapter 253

October 24, 1994

I talked to Fate today about all the gender and sexuality stuff. Finally clearing the air about all that. And… she understood. I…I expected her to tell me that I’m broken or immature. But she was very gentle as she explained that some people just feel the way I do. There’s not really a term for it she said. And most people don’t understand it – even most therapists. I didn’t know until today, but she actually studied gender and sexuality as a specialization. Maybe, she’s not the worst therapist in the world. She’s definitely no Mr. Mortis. But it feels good to hear someone tell me that how I feel, who I am – that it’s all normal. I’m not broken.

-Cas


	254. Chapter 254

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This cluster of chapters begins on chapter 243 for those who are just reading this update.
> 
> Also, I've moved all my story warnings to an author's note on the first chapter. If you're this far in, you've probably accepted them already. But just so ya'll know.

October 30,  1994

There was a party out at Benny's last night. Bonfire. Beer. Music. Lots of people out in costumes.  My angel costume was a bit ridiculous. White pants and sleeveless white  button up shirt. Bela even convinced me to wear the fluffy white wings. I got teased a little bit (mostly by Dean who thought I looked like I sissy), but it really did start out as an amazing night. I even gave in a little and drank some beer. I felt dizzy really, really fast and stopped though. Dean laughed and called me a light weight but whatever. 

I don't remember what happened. I just know I went off to talk to someone else for awhile. Charlie? Maybe Benny... anyway, the next thing I remember is seeing Dean pressing Bela up against the side of someone's car, her skirt all rucked up and her hands all twisted in his hair.  It hurt. It hurt so much. They didn't even notice me. I sorta stumbled away and next thing I know I had drank, like, three beers. Sometime in that someone pulled me around the house  to make out. I went along with it even though I don't even remember who it was. I think it got as far as dry humping before I vomitted. Hopefully not on them.  I don't even remember how I got home. Dean was far too drunk to drive so I hope it wasn't him. 

My head is killing me this morning. Part of me wonders if I should go ask Dean if he knows how I got home. Another part of me never wants to talk to Dean or Bela again. So much for the all the progress I thought I was making with Dean.

I'm so weak and dumb. I wish I had never met Dean Winchester. I wish he never got the chance to break my heart like this. I wish I could just let him go. But like a drowning victim, the current keeps dragging me back under. So stupid.

-Castiel


End file.
